Honest

I am not actually single.

I’ve been avoiding writing these words for two hours.Actually, scratch that, I’ve been avoiding writing these words for at least a month.

Before I went to Spain back in the spring of 2014 I wrote a two part blog series about why I wasn’t going to get married. It came down to the fact that I didn’t want to want something I wasn’t sure if I even wanted, so why not skip the heartache of maybe wanting it by not wanting it at all.

Then, of course, I went to Spain where every g42er ever can attest to the fact that at least once a week in class the conversation turns to relationship and marriage. And I still sat there not knowing if I even wanted to get married or have kids. 

And side note: I was terrified of admitting that to Andrew (founder, teacher, father-figure). 

I guess that I was terrified because somewhere in me didn’t believe that was true. I didn’t believe that I actually did not want to get married.

My heart changed in Spain. I’m not sure where. But if I could scroll far enough back in my text conversation with Preed there would be a moment where my thinking changed. She was talking about a future business of ours having a name with the beginning being “Ree-” something since our last names both begin with those three letters. 

My response was that, that was a great idea, because when we each got married our maiden names would be apart of our future. It wasn’t an “if” or a “when she” it was a we. I had changed my perspective on marriage somewhere.

Now, I live in Bellingham. And 90% of the people I interact with on a daily basis are in a relationship. And I am their biggest cheerleader.

And this has been hands down the hardest “being single” season I’ve ever had in my life. It’s messed me up.

I don’t feel looked down on because I’m single, or less than, or not enough. 

That’s the thing. I’m 31. I’m solid. I’m good.

But all of these relationships are messing with my head, my heart and my tear ducts.

What I am feeling these days is a lot in response to relationship. It’s brought about a season of loneliness, independence, and a wonderfully scary realization that I’m not afraid if my relationship doesn’t look how I thought it might.

I’ve scrapped lists and ideas and images because what I realized is I am already a pretty damn awesome whole person. I’m not perfect, I don’t have all the answers, but I’m caught to who I am, with the knowledge that I will keep learning more.

Another person isn’t going to complete me, he’s going to bring out more of me, and I him. Just like any real friendship, relationship, community should.

All of this I am feeling right now kind of sucks, some days are lonely, some days I want to shut out all the couples in my life.  Some days I want to skip town and run.

But man, this foundation I’m standing on is becoming more and more unshakeable and that’s the most beautiful thing to realize.

And the more pressure I feel, the more discombobulated and lonely I feel, the more I know that I’m not those things and the more I know that beauty is waiting beyond the horizon. 

The most lovely, beautiful, unique, real things are made not through waiting but through living. 

That’s why I detest sitting here and thinking and writing about singleness. Because I am not actually single. 

I am just me.

And one day, I will be married, in a relationship. 

And I will still be me.

Honest

if I’m being honest….(part 2)

I’d like to start this off with saying I’m not putting all the things out there that I discussed I would in part 1. I’m realizing the line between vulnerability and sacredness.

I think I’ve been putting off writing the second part of this blog because no doubt it’s a heck of lot more vulnerable and real than I think I really want to be.

But I do.

I want to be.

I want to put this ridiculous notion that is in my head on paper and then hopefully let it die.

In part one I mentioned a conversation with Catherine. My team leader, the person with whom I always ended up in a car with day one of ministry in a new country in a situation that could probably be clarified as stranger danger.

And above all, Catherine is an amazing friend of mine.

I wish I could remember where we had the conversation, what country, what month…a lot of me wants to assume it as in Romania…

 (This is all just me procrastinating actually writing about the conversation)

 Anyways…I made an offhand remark about not getting married, not wanting to have kids etc.

I put my wall up and leaned on it like I always do.

Image

Cat took a sledgehammer from the other side, put a wall and peeked over.

She wondered if I didn’t want kids because I didn’t think I’d ever get married.

Gosh thanks Catherine.

 If I’m being honest…yes that is probably a part of it. I am fearful I am never going to get married.

Never going to be wanted in that way.

deep breath

And it’s not just me.

I’m never the girl people assume is going to get married.

No one ever assumes that I WANT to get married.

No one ever set me up (or attempts too)

I’m rarely told “you’re man is coming”

And yes, it could be how I look.

It could be that I have a nasally voice.

It could be that I’m shy.

I don’t know why I’m stuck in this category for a lot of people.

My hands are shaking as I write out the hurt I felt each time this situations popped up. Because each time my name wasn’t brought into a conversation about future weddings and husbands and kids…

Ugh.

And I’m not blaming, I’m not accusing.

I’m just saying it hurt.

And at the time I didn’t have the words or the emotional capability to form the sentences to say that it hurt.

I look at life a little different now and I can see it hurt and it probably ingrained itself deep into me.

And yes, there are probably multiple defensives etc. that I put out that cause people to think

 “oh that girl just doesn’t want to get married”

 And maybe it’s because I don’t.

And maybe it’s because I don’t think I’m good enough.

Maybe it’s because marriage isn’t in my DNA.

I don’t really know.

And that’s ok.

So this isn’t a huge revelation or something that comes from Jesus.

But it’s me.

Recognizing hurt, hearing my heart, choosing not to get

caught up in something that I might not ever want to get

caught up and also making the decision

to keep things sacred in my heart.

Thanks for reading.