I had a beautiful day today, got to hang out with favorite people, hug the necks of those I don’t see a lot. It was just good.
So, I decided I wanted to sit and write.
I was trying to grasp at something to say-somewhere to go.
I had an experience this past week, something good and soul filling that I’m still digesting for myself and for the first time in more years than I think or I can comprehend-I feel just simply like myself.
Nothing dark or heavy or weight bearing is surrounding me.
I feel like I’m allowed to believe that hope is tangible.
It’s no longer “I believe something good can happen, but…”
I feel like there’s a part of myself that was always so ready for the other shoe to drop, that was just in wait for the next thing that was lined up to build my resilience, that that part inside me has realized it can actually just rest.
That I can lay my defenses down.
Back when I lived in Orange County and was actively in therapy, at the end of that preschool year, my director gave us all a verse. The verse she gave me was from Nehemiah 4 wherein the builders were building but also held a hammer in their hand. A couple weeks later after upping my meds and having a really hard time with suicidal thoughts, my therapist made a comment.
“You know it’s just reminds me of the builders in Nehemiah. You’re going. You’re moving forward. But you have a sword too.”
Since then I’ve kept in that manner. I’ve held a sword while I’ve kept moving forward.
But, I don’t need that sword anymore.
I’ve read a lot of books and read so many stories of warriors and soldiers who were always battle ready, who never shook the cloud of war and fight from them.
Who always had a sword under their pillow.
And I’ve learned in the last 12+ years of my life that it’s really damn hard to sleep with a sword under your pillow.
And, I’m done with that.
I don’t need it under my pillow because at the end of the day- I have what I need without it.
And to me; that’s hope.
I don’t know what’s under your pillow. I don’t what my train of thought led you too.
I just know that I made the decision to find a way back home to myself this year and that my home doesn’t have swords under the pillows.
That’s all for now.
With absolutely love and hope,