It’s all about grief.

I don’t think it’s my life message or anything of that but what I’m realizing is so many things in my life are leading back to grief right now.

I’ve been told over and over I need to write a book.

And especially now, in the midst of things that feel bigger than anything I could ever actually handle, I’m realizing it’s still there. That theme: grief.

I was at my church this last week just sitting and hanging out and being where the people were and I realized how much I’ve missed, how a place that I used to be at 6 days a week suddenly became a place I had been gone from for a month.

And I got home and I sobbed.

I sobbed for what I’ve lost, what I’ve missed, what I’m going to miss, what I feel I no longer have.

And I realized it all comes back to grief.

I have to grieve the Meg that was for the Meg that will be.

I have to change the way I see things.

I have to step into something new.

And on the opposite side (to me) of grief is fierce love.

I think of my mom and how much sometimes it hurts so much to not have her on the other side of the phone. And I know that despite our mother-daughterness my mother loved me fiercely and I loved her fiercely and in the absence of that fierce love the grief comes in.

This last month I’m realizing not only how much I love the people in my life fiercely, I’m also realizing how loved I am.

I’m also realizing even amidst all the not good, I was learning to love my life fiercely and now in the absence I feel that grief. 

Grief is messy. 

It isn’t just based around death or losing someone from your life. 

Grief for me, has popped up to remind me of fierce love. 

The Meg that was had a lot of fierce love around her; the Meg that is and is becoming is the same.

At the end of the day, my foundation is the same. Who I am, who I’m created to be, who I’m moving towards- that keeps going (so not the same but my DNA hasn’t changed).

So bottom line: I have fierce love, but I have to grieve. I’ve had a really damn hard month. It was scary, I had moments where honestly just didn’t know what was going to happen and times that have just been incredibly lonely.

My grief doesn’t take away from the fierce love around me; it just makes me human.

So, I’m going to grieve, I’m going to cry probably a lot more, I’m going to feel left out because I just need to take care of my body and I’m probably going to question things here and there.

And I’m going to give myself a lot of grace.

That’s where I am today.

Thank you for being with me 

With love,

Meg