Honest, hope is a verb, I choose champagne, relationships, Uncategorized

This is not the end.

All I want in the world right now is to walk away from my computer. I want to chug down the rest of this coffee and pack up and walk out of the coffee shop.
Because if I had decided to sit here and go through all the beautiful things that happened this year, it would be different. When I sit, even for a moment, I am inundated with goodness.

Amidst all the stress, confusion and anxiety there was so much beauty. I was welcomed into a wacky theater family, I officiated two weddings- one being the wedding of two humans I treasure more than I can imagine. I went to camp again and celebrated my 34th birthday in California. I moved into a new house, I saw my friends in way too many shows, I went to Leavenworth twice and found small semblances of peace there. I got to go to my cousin’s wedding in Kansas and see some Reeve family. I got many, many chances to celebrate people I adore.

There were so many twinkly lights of joy in this year.

10 years ago in 2009 I walked into what was then my hardest, most dismal season of depression. I lost friends, lost bits of myself that I don’t think have ever returned and walked very differently into the decade than I thought I would.

I walked into this decade having seen things and felt things I didn’t realize I was capable of feeling.

And likewise- I’m walking into this next decade in the same way. A little more weathered, beaten and with more open eyes than I had before.

I’ve lived in Bellingham for a majority of the 2010s since I spent a year and half (basically) overseas, I’ve taught in a classroom 8ish/10 of the decade. I’ve gotten 9/10 tattoos in this decade. I’ve set foot in 14 countries.

I’ve come to terms with certain aspects of my life that I’m choosing to be ok with it or else I’d go crazy.

2019 reminded me that without a shadow of the doubt ( and please don’t reprimand me for the following sentence): I’m the single friend. The one you can count on to be there. The strong independent woman who can just do the damn thing. (PS Amanda- more on this later).

2019 reminded me that I will show up. Even when it is the hardest thing for me to do- I’ll do it.

2019 reminded me that sometimes people aren’t going to choose me- and that’s ok.

It reminded me that I still, even when I don’t want to, hear the voice of God.

2019 reminded me that I don’t always have to agree with you.

2019 reminded me that it’s ok that I changed.

2019 reminded me beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am 100% capable of the ability to keep fucking going and that , that ability isn’t a weakness but it is strength.

I’m looking forward now. Looking forward with the ability to move forward.

I had this picture fill my brain in church today. You know the scene in the “The Prince of Egypt” when Moses parts the Red Sea and they all start walking through it. And as they move deeper down they start to see all of the creatures in the water through this beautiful wall of water?
I was walking through the ocean, looking at the creatures, with this slight foreboding that the walls were going to crash down.
I think because I’ve lived this whole decade out of that fear, that any second the walls would come crashing down and I would drown in the thing that I saw as so beautiful.
But, today watching that picture play out in my head and seeing the water behind me urging me on, all I felt was peace. Like it was ok to move forward and soak in the beauty and the calm of the ocean around me.
And I’m going to be incredibly real with you: I don’t know if I trust it still.
Sitting here writing those words, feeling the hope that comes off of them, I am unsure if I can grab them.
But, I’m going to try.

Dear 2019,
I think if I could thank you for anything it’s that you tucked me in tightly with my people, you brought me moments and smiles and the ability to celebrate them and I thank you for that. I thank you for all the lessons and the tears, and the moments where I had to pause myself long enough so I could breath normally again.
I thank you for the good and not so good choices for my body and the laughter and stories each of those brought.
I thank you for my anger because it reminded me I could still feel it.
And I thank you, lastly for being an end of a season I didn’t even know I was in.
With love,

Honest, ramblings

Just fix your leggings

I was putting on my leggings this morning and I thought of my tiny humans. Every weekday at about 11AM you can normally find me helping two year olds go potty and put on pull-ups and put their pants back on.

And let me tell you, hell hath no fury like a tiny human whose pants are too tight, bunched or stuck on their foot.

I rarely can fix the problem before the whines and squeaks begin.

My tiny humans quickly tell me when they aren’t happy, uncomfortable or any form of not feeling perfectly at peace in their own skin. Their blankets aren’t right, they have the wrong cup, their food is touching. They let me know when they are hungry or tired.

They refuse to live like that. Ever.

Not having it.

At some point, obviously, that changes.

At some point we begin to just be ok with things that cause us discomfort, or pain, or take our peace of mind away. At some point we are entrenched in the knowledge that “life isn’t fair” and “you just have to live with it”.

At some point we just live with things being off or bunched or too tight.


Why do we, as human beings, decide that we aren’t worth living our life to the fullest, we decide we aren’t worth rest, or lovely things.

We decide that someone else’s happiness is more important then ours.

Now, I am not saying that we have to be happy all the time, or comfortable, or that we have to satisfy every need and desire we have right at the exact moment. 

I am saying, is that living at a two for the sake of living at a two is dumb.

I’ve been pondering this idea lately. The idea that we as humans choose to suffer for the sake of suffering.

I feel like christians have cornered this market. Suffering for the sake of suffering. I have done it, I have been in a place of not accepting something, or not choosing something because I thought I wasn’t supposed too.

But, what I have learn in my life thus far, is that are already times when life will feel crappy, hard and all the things without me choosing it. We don’t need to create more situations like that.

I learn from my tiny humans a lot. And today, when putting on my leggings, I was reminded that I don’t need to choose to be uncomfortable, I don’t need to live in my unhappiness.

I don’t need to make life hard for the sake of it being hard.

Now, I don’t need to throw a tantrum when my leggings catch on my foot, or when I feel lonely, or if something doesn’t go my way.

But, if I have the ability to fix it- why shouldn’t I?

There are a lot of big world things we are unable to fix. There are a lot of circumstances that we aren’t meant to change . We can’t always leave the job, or move out of the city, or magically be in a relationship.

But, we can fix our leggings or go on a run, we can hang out with friends or we can light a candle and take a deep breath.

We can find the things we need to find balance and joy and peace.

We are allowed to choose goodness.

We don’t need to scream about it like my tiny humans but we can take deep breath and figure it out.

ramblings, Spain g42

all I have is a topic sentence

I’ve started at least 3 blogs in the last five minutes trying to figure out what to write about.

There are multiple things I could write about right now. I have a myriad of thoughts flying through my brain.

But most of them are all topic sentences:

(Re)Learning to use my voice.

(Re)Learning to step out in faith.

Learning to burst beyond that which makes me uncomfortable.

Learning to leave insecurity at the door.

Learning not to second guess myself or my purpose.

It’s all a beginning. Or more so a continuation.

7 months ago I got off of a plane into a familiar place that had turned unknown.

A week ago I go on a plane to an unknown place that is full of familiar.

photo 3((some of my NSquad girls who I have the joy & privilege of doing life with here in Spain))

And the lessons aren’t the same. But the lessons here have built upon the lessons from there.

So now I sit here with all of these topic sentences at the beginning of a new season. 5 for now; probably more to come. And here’s the thing:

That’s ok.

It’s like God is handing me this notebook with a topic at the top of each page and saying

“it’s ok. You don’t have to figure all this out tonight. Or even tomorrow. I’m just saying it’s time.”

And it is time.

photo 2((july interns on a scavenger hunt through Mijas))

There are a couple things that I’ve let lurk in my closet far too long that I am ready to let out and then beat them down with a broom. They have been taunting me and poking their heads out for too long.

And God is reminding me daily that it’s fine. And it’s time.

I tore so many chains aside last year; and I’ve come to realize that I have some more. They’re rusted over because they’ve been there for so long that I’ve forgotten about them.

It took the demolishing of the chains on top of them to realize that they were there.

So that’s where I am. I’m sitting here in lovely Spain, having just finished my first week of class with a post it note of topic sentences; of things God is going to walk with me through.

And it’s going to be good. And hard. And beautiful.

I’m here. I’m ready to live through these lessons that I may come back someday and be able to tell you about another chain that has fallen off.

I am here.

photo 4

And here I go.

 (click here if you would like to see ways in which you can journey with me