In September of 2021 I started a new job and about 3 weeks into I finally felt capable of attacking something that I had put off far too long: my closet.
So I pulled everything out and just had it on the floor as I began to go through it and see what I was and wasn’t wearing anymore.
Then, a trip that was supposed to be going to hang out with my Orange County family turned out to be one that flipped my whole world around when my mom passed away.
I came back for a few days before going to spend a week with my dad- took one look at the clothes and shoved them back into my closet.
And it’s been like that ever since.
2022 was inevitably just surviving.
And I still feel weak for saying that but that’s what it was.
My closet bursting at the seams has been this symbol of everything I didn’t think I was capable of handling.
But this year I’m coming back home to myself.
Which means doing things that feel really hard and overwhelming.
So, last night I decided to start the work of cleaning out the corners of my room.
I shoved my bed as far as I could into the middle of the room and began a trash bag of things I didn’t need anymore.
I created space.
Then tonight after a long day I unboxed some things I’ve gotten for the kitchen and then got to work on moving all the furniture in my room and vacuuming and taking a lot of deep breathes.
It all feels like a long time coming.
My friend Michele has been someone who I’ve talk to a lot about not feeling shame for being incapable of doing something. She’s been a cheerleader when I’ve been able to do something that feels bigger than me.
Today she said that this year feels like we’re getting out from underneath all the shit that’s been squishing us. And we know we aren’t going to get squished again because we’re strong and we’ve practiced and now we can thrive.
I got emotional as I cleared out my corners.
As I vacuumed and threw out things and contemplated what I needed and didn’t need.
I’ve realized how heavy I’ve felt and been and how my room has been a picture of what was going on in my brain.
And how I’ve felt like- in a way- that I deserved the things because I didn’t know how to feel better and because I thought I just should.
Grief is lonely.
And my room was ultimately a picture of that.
But, now, I’m cleaning out the corners. I’m not done yet and I get a new mattress on Saturday and I’m going to be able to sleep again and enjoy my space and keep moving forward in whatever this is.
I don’t know what you might be holding right now or what your room or your brain looks like but this is my encouragement to you to mentally, spiritually, physically and tangibly clean out your corners.
You deserve it for you.