Honest, hope is a verb, I choose champagne

I am not too much

A letter to those who feel as if they are too much,

I don’t know where I was, probably in a Van Zandt class in college where she reminded us that women are allowed to take up space. But I remember looking at how I was sitting.
You see, I’ve always been bigger. I’ve had moments where I thought I was big, that now I know I wasn’t.
I’ve always been afraid of physically taking up too much space.

That day though, in the moment, I remember looking at myself and looking at my body language. I was sitting against a wall as close I could be with all my stuff in my tight little area.
And I thought, why am I doing this? There was plenty of space in the classroom, I was at my own table.
I was allowed to take up space.

But, of course, in the back of my mind, I heard I small voice say, “Don’t take up too much space…”.
And the battle continued.

This isn’t about me though. This is for you. The one sitting here reading this. Either a human I know who clicked this link out of kindness or someone who followed the tag I posted.

You are allowed to take up space.

Taking up space looks literally different to everyone.

For instance, long ago I decided I was allowed to take a table by myself at a bar to write. I’m a good customer. I tip well, I order multiple things. I take an appropriate table. I’m kind.

I can take up this space.

You are allowed to take up space.

I’m not saying push yourself on people or sprawl out across a table meant for ten humans.
I’m saying you don’t have to walk around like you don’t matter.

Because, holy hell, you do.

I’m not saying to verbal vomit on a person who clearly doesn’t have the ability to hold your story.

I’m saying to remember that there are people who do.
Feeling you are too much is so hard. It’s a lot of apologizing for existing, it’s choosing to not share an opinion or even offer a suggestion on where to eat.

It’s feeling as if you aren’t allowed to move on to the next because what you leave in your wake would be too much.

Feeling like you are too much makes you feel as if you are not entitled to the space around you.
It’s feeling like every problem you have is something that you must solve alone because you are a broken record.

I want you to know you aren’t alone.
I want you to know I’ve been there.

I’ve spent a lot of my life being told I’m not enough by people and factors around me. I’ve been physically told I’m too much, too sensitive, too depressed, that I’m doing it for attention.

I’ve gotten looks on airplanes from seatmates as I try to lean as far as possible away from the humans around me.
I’ve been told from across a store that something won’t fit me by an employee as I reached up to grab it.
I’ve lost friends over my emotions and been ghosted for my opinions when I choose to share them.

I want you to know you aren’t alone.
I want you to know I’ve been there.
I want you to know, you ARE NOT too much.

And you, human being reading this, whether I know you or not, YOU are allowed to take up space.
With love,
Meg

Spain g42

a monologue like katniss & a room like harry

There is a repetitive scene in the final book of the Hunger Games where Katniss keeps going back and reminding herself whom she is
amidst all of the chaos going on around her. She attempts to ground herself in who she is so that she can keep moving. She doesn’t want to lose herself in the middle of all of these new pieces her identity being poured out on her.

I’m sure if we had even more of a picture of the inside of Katniss’s brain that we would have heard lies upon lies piling up. We heard some; her believing that people had wished that had saved Peeta, lies that she wasn’t good enough.
I’m sure there were more.

Most main characters of books; while going through major characters revelations have to remind themselves who they are constantly, because they are continuously getting lied to about what they aren’t. Harry Potter went through life changes like nobodies business. He went from being treated as nothing to being “The Boy who Lived”. But for the first 10 or so years of his life he was relegated to a closet. He was physically told he wasn’t important and didn’t need to take up space. He went from being not allowed to take up room to having friends and people who cared about him.

That kind of truth and change can shake a person greatly. For every truth there are lies that tell you not to listen to the truth.

I’ve been told a lot of truth here in Spain.

And it’s shocked me. Physically, emotionally and spiritually I haven’t known how to take it all in. Bit by bit I’ve taken some. The fourth or fifth week I was here I had truth spoken to and over me and that took my breath away.

I haven’t known what to do with it all.

Just like Katniss and Harry I’ve had to remind myself of who I am and I’ve had to expand it.

I’ve had to move out of the room I’m living in because all of who I am doesn’t fit in the room anymore.

But I’ve found myself going back to the room daily because in all honesty, I’ve lived one way for so long that it isn’t even that it’s easier, it isn’t even that I don’t know different; it’s just that I’ve decorated and figured out how to live.

This past week we had “prophetic activation”. We learned a lot about what prophecy actual is and what it means to prophecy. And it was all so very good. But we also did activation.

At one point I found myself in the middle of a circle of 6 people.

The words that were spoken hit my heart.

And one of the statements that hit me about prophecy came running into my head during the time I was standing in the middle.

Prophecy hits in you. When there are words that you know are from God that hit you straight in your heart.

Because you know. You just know. God’s probably already told you; someone else has already told you.

Prophecy is confirming things already at work in you.

For me, it was a lot of truth that I need to add to statements I speak over myself.

If I don’t I will forget amidst all of the lies that hit my core.

This morning I was hit with lie upon lie. Trying to counteract and contradict all of the statements that I so desperately want to hold onto. Words that I want to believe are true.

Words that I NEED to believe are true for myself.
Statements that don’t fit in my room that I’ve decorated.
Words that cause me to need to renovate, open up the space and walk out the door.

Like Katniss I am going to say who I am. I am going to remind myself to find my footing each day, because I’ve heard and seen some pretty wild things in the past 5 months and I want to hold onto them and claim them as my own.

Like Harry, I am going to accept the fact that I don’t have to live in the small room under the stairs, I can walk out the door and leave it behind.

And if you are someone, like me, who is unable to fit truth in the room with you- remind yourself who you are. Don’t be afraid like I’ve been for so long to add onto what you know about who you are.

There is so much to uncover on ourselves. So much we are unable to see. Allow others to see them, and speak them to you, even (preaching to the choir) when they don’t fit in the space you’ve created.

Knock down some walls, slap up some new paint and create something with the truth you’ve been given.

I am Meg
Remembered.
Treasured.
Caregiver
Worth following
Rock breaker
Worth it.