I don’t have space to hold more things right now.

I don’t have the ability to deal with anything other than the fact that as of this week it’s been five years since I heard my mom’s voice, since I got an I love you, since I posted something knowing it would make her laugh.

I’m trying to figure out how the world really kept living without her. How I’ve kept moving forward without her.

I don’t really know how to not feel sad anymore. I don’t know how to move from this place where all I can feel is the heaviness of the fact that she still really isn’t here.

The weight feels even heavier without my dad now. I miss my mom more now because my dad is gone. I miss the connection that I had with her through him.

I miss missing her with him. 

Because the person that missed my mom the most was my dad.

And now I have to live in a space where I miss both of them.

And honestly, I don’t know how to hold both of those things.

I’ve had a lot of friends, acquaintances and people who have been put in my bubble of life over the last five years who have lost their parents. People who have never crossed paths with me or who have stepped back into my view since then who are suddenly without their mom or dad.

And I’m grateful for those people. 

I hate that they get it but damn, I’m grateful for one other person who gets the pain that I feel.

I have a picture of all of us. It’s an image I see of a mountain range. It’s a long range with bumps and some mountains are higher and some are narrow, some are steep and some look less treacherous. But I can see people far away walking up the mountain paths. 

We’re not climbing the same mountain, but we’re all climbing. We can see each other, we can tip our hat and raise our hand to just say “I see you, keep going”.

I’m so sorry if you’re climbing this mountain with me. I’m sorry you had to step foot at the bottom of it and look up knowing that you are a part of it now.

I’m sorry that you’re feeling the same type of emotions I am.

My heart breaks for the fact that this pain is with you now.

And I just want you to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m with you.

I’m with you. 

I’m with you.

With love,

Meg