Today I choose.

The last thing I want to be today is thankful. I’m rolling my eyes at the cliche’ of it all because on a day that is literally dubbed “Thanksgiving”, the thing to do would to be go against the grind and say that I’m not thankful.

I mean, I am thankful. It’s the machine that I operate out of on an (almost) daily basis. I grew up with a mom who, when I had a bad day, would tell me to write a grateful list. And for as many times as I rolled my eyes or got angry I did it. Because 9.5/10 times I have more to be thankful for then I don’t.

But if I am being honest, over the last three weeks I’ve just wanted to not care, I have just wanted to write emo-sounding song lyric Facebook statuses. I have wanted to curl up in a ball and zone out to some mind numbing show and shut off my brain and let the to-do lists and the emotions and the feelings I have overwhelm me.
I haven’t sat in front of anything long enough to write anything because I haven’t wanted to know what was going to come out.

I have wanted to call in sick even though I haven’t been sick.

I have wanted to not show up.

Good lord, I have wanted to have a bad day and not care who I effected in its wake.

But that’s not who I am.

Even this morning as I woke up all I wanted to do was stay in bed and be checked out of a day that is meant for telling others that you are thankful for them. I wanted to give in to the weight that has been perpetually on my shoulders for about three weeks and let it crush me for a moment.

But that’s not what I did.

I woke up at 8:30 and laid in bed texting some long messages to my hometeam because I didn’t know them three years ago and now don’t know what my life would look like without them.

And then I cried.

I wiped my tears, made coffee and chopped five pounds of potatoes to make some soup for people stopping by today.

And I cried some more.

I’ve been slowly texting people to speak words of gratitude. Today it’s coming out of a place of me choosing to show up for other people and remind them and show them that while being grateful is a feeling, it is also my choice to be grateful.

And when it comes down to it though it doesn’t FEEL easy it isn’t a hard choice. Showing up for fourteen one year olds on the daily FEELS hard. Showing up for the people around me, for the community, when it’s weighty and heavy and filled with stuff FEELS hard.

But the choosing is easy.

Because, man, those kiddos brighten my day when they say my name and come at me for a hug when I walk in the room and getting the chance to see them learn to walk and talk and smile and laugh is everything. 

And the people in my life, as close as the room next to me and as far as across an ocean, are worth it for me to make that daily choice. Because seeing them be known, and achieve dreams, and have others see how freaking amazing there are is literally the greatest thing. 

So, that is why I choose to be grateful today.

That is why I choose to be grateful everyday.

That is why I choose to show up. When it’s hard or easy and everything in between. That’s why I check my mood and choose to not leave a path of destruction behind me as best I can.

So I will choose.

{so today while I have so many different physical things to be thankful for; today I choose to be thankful for Kingsburg and Costa Mesa. For Bangkok and Chincha and Nsoko. For Mijas. And of course, for Bellingham. 

They aren’t places in my mind. 

They represent story and truth and moments that impacted my life.

Today I choose to be thankful for people.}

One response to “Today I choose.”

  1. I’m more thankful for you than any words can capture. {Mostly because as I was typing this the words that came out of your mouth were as follows, in an Australian accent “well, I’m going to go use a hand blender and you have to be Australian when you use a hand blender.”} But also because you know me and yell at me and take out the trash (literally and figuratively–but more figuratively than literally). Basically, your existence has me thankful.

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