I want to post so many disclaimers on this blog. I want you to know that I am not tooting my own horn or think in any way shape or form I have it all together. I do want you to know that I am writing the following blog because I’ve realized in the midst of all the things that have felt hard lately, amidst all of the things that have felt hopeless or tiring or have caused me to want to pack up and flee Washington—I have come to realize something:
I am MORE than ok.
I believe for the first time in my life, with some bumps along the way, that I am living wholeheartedly.
“Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid but that doesn’t change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging.” (Brene Brown)
I’ve had more times than I’d like to admit over the last year where I haven’t felt enough or worthy or wanted. More times that I’ve wanted to duck out or move or be alone (because good lord COMMUNITY).
Here’s the thing. I haven’t. Yes, once or twice I have ducked out because I needed a break from groups or couples or humans in general. But I used to go to sleep paralyzed with anxiety nightly second guessing everything I did or said. I used to wake up every morning with that same anxiety.
It doesn’t riddle my bones anymore.
There have been seasons where exhaustion and stress have allowed those things to creep in. But, I’ve realized over the past month that right now, in this time of my life, the only person I really have to be enough for is me.
And I think I am.
I was talking to my mom a couple weeks ago, reiterating a conversation I had with my friend Casey, about how it boggles my mind that people want to be my friend, or that I am someone people want around. I don’t say this to belittle myself in the least. I say it because I spent a lot of my life being quiet and shy and sitting alone. I never thought I was capable of making friends. Or that I was capable of being the outgoing one.
It’s not about being those things. It’s about being yourself. And for the first time in my life, I feel I am being myself. Not second guessing (98% of the time), choosing daily many things, not diminishing who I am in any sense. And that changes things.
Growing up we are told to be a good student, a good athlete, a good citizen, a good daughter. We are given parameters on what makes a good human.
But what about what makes a good you?
What if we all chose to, instead of living up to standards of enough-ness, chose to figure out who we were, piece by piece and be those things?
I don’t know all of who I am yet. But I do know a lot for 31.
I’m choosing to believe that I am enough for each day, even though some days I need to cry and battle that truth out with myself or with a sacred circle.
I’m choosing to go into each day and season with the thought that my enough for myself will change and grow.
But, I am also choosing to know it will only be defined by myself and lifted up with kind words from friends and maybe even sometimes tough love from those I trust.
I am choosing to go to bed every night knowing that I did the damn thing, and if I need to change something I will. Even if kids cry and transitions go to chaos and I feel as if I did nothing right, as long as I showed up and put my heart and mind into the day, I am enough and tomorrow is a new day.
I am choosing to live wholeheartedly, knowing that sometimes, it will need a margarita.
So here is my question to you–who are you being enough for?