The concept of “not having a person” has really been something that’s been sifting through my brain a lot lately.

I’m really blessed. I have an amazing, eclectic community around me. I have people that will sit in ERs with me, people that will yell at me to sit down, people who bring me food, people who laugh with me, cry with me, celebrate with me. People who check on me and feed me and include me.

I have people.

But the concept of not having a person has been grating on me.

It’s a topic I hate writing about but at the end of the day it’s a reality of my life.

I’m single.

I don’t know if I’ve talked about this before but one of the hardest moments of my life was how alone I felt when my mom died. How much I wished I had a person in the moment who was mine, who would sit with me, who was there, beyond a shadow of a doubt just for me.

It felt so absurd to be surrounded by so many people at my mom’s memorial but feel so desperately alone.

It’s not a secret that my body hasn’t been bodying lately. Even right now I’m laying on my couch with my feet up and any movement causes little shocks of pain.

But; I’m here alone. If I want a snack, I have to move my body, if I need more water, I have to get up.

I have to hobble my body over somewhere and do it.

And it’s really taxing.

It’s something that I don’t think a lot of people talk about; or at least if they do, people don’t really listen.

I think our society is so prone to give grace to people who aren’t single; society gives space to have grace for relationships, for families. There are tax breaks and special considerations and space given for tired parents and marriages that might need work.

I understand that it’s just how the world works.

I get that.

And I get that at the end of the day it is indeed just the life that I live. 

And sometimes, especially these days, it really sucks.

It’s funny because you might think this is when I put some PSA about checking on your single friends blah blah blah.

But, I’m not.

Because that’s not the point.

Checking on your single friends doesn’t magically give them a person for themselves. 

It doesn’t suddenly give them someone who’s theirs.

Us single humans understand that we are no ones priority. 

We aren’t the first phone call.

We don’t always have a dinner companion.

We have ourselves at the end of the day. 

And as hard as all these words were to write and stare at, I know that I’ll be ok.

I think that most single humans realize that.

We’ll make our own dinner and sit in doctors appointments by ourselves. We’ll be ok going to events without a plus one and using one income to buy gifts.

I think that I truly wanted to write these words because everyone has a story: parents and couples and families and single people.

We all have things at the end of the day that are things we have to hold.

And for me; right now, the holding just feels a little heavier.

And that’s ok.

With love,

Meg