Here goes nothing.
I just went back and read my words prior to 2016. And the final line of that blog was “here’s to a new year with space for all the things.”
I just wrote four or five lines on how this statement wasn’t true. But I deleted them because I realized that this year did indeed have all the things. Meaning there was space for them.
There just wasn’t space for anything else.
I wrote in part one how I cried a lot this year. Painful, gut-wrenching, heartbreaking sobs.
But, because most things in my life in one way or another relate back to tiny humans as this last week has been me in a state of exhaustion I began thinking about this fact that’s always in the back of brain especially in regards to the tiny humans that take a little bit more of my teacher Meg voice.
For every negative that is spoken over a human (no!, that wasn’t a good choice, redirecting, or even stepping into help with a direction) you need 5 positives to balance it out. And actually, at the end of the day most need ten. We have an average of about 20,000 interactions a day. And how many of those are positive or negative.
This is where I feel we get hit.
This is where I feel I get hit.
Partly because if I’m being honest , I am not the first to speak positive things to myself. Not neccesarily that I speak negatively to myself, but I don’t counteract the outside world.
I also am not the greatest at receiving the words or big acts from people.
It’s not like I had many people being mean to me left and right this year. But I had a lot of being second choice, I had people physically showing me they did not want to be in my life, I had a lot of the life around me telling me I wasn’t enough, or that I was needed not wanted and I had people that showed they didn’t respect the kids I loved so dearly to just show the eff up. (Ex. The dark times in T1. Shout out here to: Katy and Krys for always being there, Jamie for always being encouraging, elizabeth for looks through the window, Victoria for always showing up early and Patty for always having wine)
So, as I’ve come to the end of this year I feel I can say that this as a sum up of all the things:
2016 was a full fledge attack on my identity.
It was a year that told me time after time after time that I wasn’t enough, or good enough, or first choice, or wanted. It was a year that told me to just give up. It was year that tried to strip the joy away from things in my life that are good and lovely.
But you know what? There is something, deep ingrained in me, that tells me that the lovely and good are still there. And for as much as I will be the first to say that I battled things in this year that I thought were long passed-insecurities, and ghosts and anxiety I will also say but.
Because the people.
Because the people in my life had so many lovely, celebratory things happen in their life and they invited me along for the ride. Because the people in my life had hard, hard times and they invited me to grieve with them. Because the people in my life put their arm around my shoulder when I had no words for what I needed. Because for as many times as I told the people in my life that they weren’t crazy and it was ok they said the same thing back.
If this year has taught me anything or really reiterated a lesson I already knew, it’s that I do better, I’m more myself because of the people around me.
And on the days when the lives of the people around me cause me to see what I’m lacking, I have to choose to remember that without them I’d be lacking and vice versa.
So yes, I have absolutely no problem saying this year will not go down as a favorite.
But I will say that I learned to celebrate small things and REALLY celebrate the joyous beautiful things.
I will say I learned to choose my battles. And to stand my ground.
I will say learned to say no (more than the year prior)
I will say I fell more deeply in love with the people in my life.
Because without them, what’s really the point?
So 2016, I bid you a gigantic peace out. I thank you for the tears from laughter, for the margaritas on Tuesday, the champagne on Sundays, for a dozen cheesecakes and tables teeming with people.
But like, please let the door hit you on the way out.
2017, let’s choose champagne.