Honest, hope is a verb, I choose champagne, it takes a village, relationships

The grey purse is still in reach

Here’s the thing:
I should be writing my Christmas letter right now. I should be writing it and compiling all the addresses I have and preparing to literally ship out the cards the minute they come in the mail.

But, I’m not ready yet.

I feel as if most of my thoughts lately have not been suitable for audiences. As if the thoughts in my head are somewhat inappropriate and also a little mean, mostly to myself.

What I’m trying to say, in the words of my work wife, is that my brain has “no chill”.

My brain doesn’t realize it’s Christmas fully. It doesn’t know that I need to be wrapping up my thoughts on 2019 and attempting to piece together what feels like failure in order to close this chapter.

I normally love the end of the year. I love reminiscing on what happened and where I went and what I accomplished.

I am trying with every damn fiber of my being to not throw everything of this year into a dumpster and light in on fire because I feel like I failed myself.
Because, to be honest, this year brought so many good things, and people and food and trips and self-realization.

But, instead of focusing on those things (which will happen, but first I gotta get through this week) right now, I am focusing on this simple phrase that I wrote last week that has been coursing through my blood for most minutes of the day since.

I’m NOT over yet.

Just because we’re leaping into a new year and decade, just because I can no longer admit I’m in early thirties doesn’t mean I’m done or over or don’t have more beautiful life to live and relationships to have and adventures to go on and more songs to sing.

Folks, we’re not over yet.

I think I spent a lot of this year believing I was. I think I spent a lot of 2019 standing behind those who were winning at life and applauding them and cheering them on and lifting them up and celebrating each and every monumental occasion. I think that caused me to believe I had no more victories until I had certain victories happen.

And it makes me think of my perpetual list of things I want. Back in I think about 2009 or so I desperately wanted a grey purse. But I’m picky and knew that not just any purse was going to cut it. I spent months and months looking for a purse. I had a color of grey in my head and a shape and a type of strap and pockets.

And I had a really hard time buying anything for myself until I found that purse. And then one day, at a Kohl’s in Huntington Beach, I found a Vera Wang grey purse. It was like it had been created for me.

2019 has felt like I’ve been looking for a grey purse again. I have a specific purse in my brain, that’s really abstract to describe and I feel as if I don’t find it before the clock strikes midnight on December 31rst then I will have failed miserably.

But, that’s not how it works.

It’s not over yet.
I still have more stores to go to.
I haven’t failed.
I still have victories and celebration left- they might not look like I want them too- but they are still there.

So, if you’re feeling that right now. If the build-up of everything ended and beginning again is too much for you.
If you feel like you haven’t had a win in a while I just really need you to remember that you aren’t anywhere near over yet.
You aren’t alone.
You aren’t over.
You can still find your perfect grey purse.
2020 is a new decade and year but January 1rst doesn’t make dreams and desires and pain go away.
All we have to do is keep fucking going.
with love,

Honest, hope is a verb

Avocado toast to help me see

I’ve had a busy life the last few weeks (months, years) and yesterday I officiated my second wedding and it was a beautiful ceremony and celebration of two people who love each other an incredible amount.

I can’t tell you the last time I took a moment to write on a Sunday.

My phone is filled with so many notifications of messages and emails and my brain is filled with dates and things I’m supposed to be at and trips I want to take and deadlines and everything in between.
But, today as my body finally allowed me to sleep in a little (8 am) and I decided to save some adulting for tomorrow, I feel a little blurry.

(And, I feel a little stuck- but that’s another story for another day)

Part of that is physically blurry. I sat down in front of my computer screen and adjusted the brightness and moved my body so I wasn’t in the sunlight and I still had to squint to see my screen.

(Katie-shark says I’m tired–she’s probably not wrong)

Even now my vision is coming a little more in to focus, it’s still a little blurry on the outside- but I think that’s a lot more internal.
Have you ever had that happen?
You’re moving and grooving and stressing and even enjoying life but at the end of the day you sit and everything feels a little blurry.
You can’t quite focus and even though you just want to sit and watch a movie that even seems like too much?
You want to dream but that takes too much space.

I want to create but none of my words feel hopeful.
They just feel blurry.

I’m trying to decide what I need to see again.

I think one of the things I need to do is take some advice from my college choir director (but maybe re-frame it a bit), Joni used to always encourage us to choose joy. It didn’t mean you had to be happy all the time or couldn’t have bad days- but it meant to me, to choose good. Choose to see it, feel it, walk in it.

I think that one of the things I need to do is choose joy.

I need to choose what brings me joy, who brings me joy and moments that fill my heart (such as the avocado toast I just devoured and letting my body sleep in).
To me choosing joy is saving my adulting for tomorrow and going to laugh with friends for a couple hours.

To me choosing joy is what is going to save my blurred eyesight.
It’s what’s going to help me cultivate hope.

It’s not about avoiding things that need to be done- it’s about not choosing things and people and events that don’t add to your joy.

We have so much noise in our life. We have so many things telling us what to do, what not to do, what to believe, what to support, what to spend our time, money and voice on.
It gets pretty damn loud.

And, just as loud are the voices that tell us to take care of ourselves.

And to me, it’s in that tension that we find our lives can become a little blurry.

So, today, as I sit here for a few more minutes typing words and figuring out what I need to make my world a little less blurry- I want to ask you that question too: what makes life a little less blurry?

We can do the things friends, we can walk in the tension and dissipate it. We can choose things that bring us light and joy ( even if it’s avocado toast) and we can set the things on the side that don’t bring us cultivate joy.

The Marie Kondo method isn’t just for jeans that are too tight folks.
Let’s step into this week and find the joy, But, more importantly, let’s toss aside the things that don’t add to us, that maybe, just maybe, we don’t actually need.


hope is a verb, Spain g42

do the damn thing.

I’m ready.
Or at least, I think I’m ready.

When I had two months to go on the World Race last year I was in the middle of Cambodia in a village, hand washing my clothes and taking bucket showers, battling Small Eye, teaching little children English and for a season being a vegetarian because no has time to accidently eat dog.

I had a countdown chain that was counting the days until I hit the United States. I was ready to go home. Ready to be done. I had to firmly plant my feet in the rice fields of Cambodia and pray for so many aspects of life.

This time is different.

I’m not ready.

I am finding ways to superglue my feet into the soil of Mijas.
Ways to soak up every minute around these people I love.
I don’t want to leave this place. The people, the heart, the DNA.
There were parts of last year I didn’t want to leave.
But there is nothing really about here that causes me to retreat.

And that is why I am ready.
I have two months left and I am going to take all I can and infuse myself with this corner of the south of Spain.

And then to quote my friend Patty Reed “I’m going to go do the damn thing”.

I’m ready to step in the river; not test out the water, not stick a toe in, but go and DO and BE.

So this is why I am so utterly grateful that I still have two months to sink my toes into the sands next to the Mediterranean. Two more months to grab hold of all that this place has to offer.

Two more months to live in this place I will always call home.

My vision and dreams feel more real, more part of myself then they EVER have.

I’m ready to plant my feet and build, speak and create life.

As I sat in class today this is what I came to terms with; I realized I’m ready, but I’m not.

So let’s go do the damn thing.


a tableau of 5 fears (and a not really conclusion)

(I was going to post this blog in parts (I was also going to wait til I was on the other side of the atlantic) BUT I decided against it. It’s kind of long so put up your feet and grab some coffee or a glass of wine. )

My boogie monster was a blond balding wrestler from the 80s.

I think that the first thing I was ever afraid of in my life was The Incredible Hulk (and I think by default I was afraid of Hulk Hogan). I specifically remember my mom telling me when I was little that if I didn’t go to bed the Incredible Hulk would come get me.

My conscious state was terrified of this green monster literally stalking out of the TV and coming into my bedroom.

My subconscious apparently took the “hulk” out of that sentence and my dreams were actually plagued by the wrestler. He would show up in my dreams (and normally nuns were involved…I have no idea why) and he would always say he was going to kidnap me.

I remember, in my dreams, just laying in bed. Staring up at this huge man. So scared that he was going to take me away.

I don’t really understand that fear. Or why I had it. All I know is that childhood fears come in the shape of many things.

Adult fears come in the shape of many things.

And looking back now, I realize as a child that my fears then mirror my fears now.

Not coming in forms I would think.

And all I had was a stuffed cat

She was white and I named her Katrina.

Sometimes I wish I still had her.

When I was younger I had a lot of issues with bed wetting. I saw three different doctors for it for way too many years. No one could figure out what was wrong.

The first two were fine with names that make me laugh to this day. The last one is why I needed a stuffed cat.

His office was off of Millbrook and even though I now we are turning left and not right I still shudder when I got off that exit.

It’s the first legitimate fear I can think of that has to do with a real live person with whom I have interacted.

I don’t think anything wrong was done. I think I was too young. There were things I didn’t understand. Sitting alone in a doctor’s office without your mom or dad. Moments where you weren’t sure why a doctor put his hands where he did.

Moments that made me move from discomfort into fear. It’s when I learned that fear is tied to not feeling safe.

When you don’t feel safe; even if you don’t know why you begin to feel fear.

It can creep on you.

And when you don’t understand your feelings…fear can creep up on you. You actually don’t know what you are afraid of or why. Sometimes God protects you in that moment to not know why you’re afraid. So instead of being afraid of the unknown, you’re afraid of doctor who was just doing his job.

And you squeeze that stuffed cat you have and walk into that doctor’s office and you know that it is the only way you can get through.

I am a walking cliché’.

It was a dark rainy night in Kingsburg. My best friend and I had somehow convinced her mom to let us watch the movie “it”.

We were curled up on the couch, lights out.

Seriously, probably one of the dumbest decisions I have made in my life to date.

I was terrified to fall asleep at night. Terrified to look behind my back. And yes, I became one of the many people who are TERRIFIED of clowns.

And like most horror movies made before special effects budgets were the norm, I can look at the movie and realize how dumb it is, how not well made it is.

But you also better believe that I still flinch when I walk over storm drains, I still cannot stand clowns. And when I walk at the nature preserve by my old apartment…I don’t go anywhere near the huge pipe that moves water. (DUH.t hat’s where the demonic clown lives.)

It’s funny the things that still haunt us, things that are ridiculous. Thing that we know aren’t true.

Mine of course started with the fear of a clown in a storm drain holding a balloon. I know he’s actually not there. I know there won’t be this evil voice that comes from below.

But sometimes now, as an adult, it’s easier to be afraid of things that can’t actually get me then too be afraid of those that can.

Don’t make me sing. (But actually do.)

So high school.

I sang in a choir (I mean if we are being real I’ve ALWAYS sang in a choir)

Anyway. FEAR.

Singing a solo. I always wanted too. But I also always froze.

Which is RIDICULOUS. I’d performed in school plays. Performed monologues. But you put a microphone in front of me and expect me to sing?

I don’t understand.

I remember my senior specifically. I had one of the leads in the school MUSICAL. I was one of the MCs for the spring concert. And I had a solo.

Phantom of the Opera. It was low. It was beautiful. I was terrified.

I got up there and did it.

I probably sucked.

Since then though,I’ve sung multiple solos in college in front of lots of people. I’ve helped lead worship all over the world.

But even in January when I helped lead worship for a conference I lifted the mike to start a song and I felt the shakiness go through me. I remembered Phantom of the Opera. High school.

But I didn’t freeze. I don’t freeze anymore.

But that fear is settled in me.

I have a feeling it’s not just about singing into a microphone. I realize it’s probably something much deeper. Some fear about perfection or whatever.

But to the senior year in high school me; nothing was scarier then singing a 10 measure solo in front of 100 people.

Now, there is nothing scarier than not getting up to sing the song on the mike. The fear of failure overpowers the fear of imperfection, though I’m not sure that’s any better.

This one is actually scary

Last July I was in Mozambique living in the middle of a village. In my tent. (that I was thankfully sharing with someone)

We were in the midst of witchcraft, thieves, and children who poked their heads into our tents at 5 in the morning.

But there was one specific night after most of the teams on our squad had gotten robbed (including ours) where I woke up at about 4 in the morning to what I thought was someone in the grass walking around. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I reached for my multitool and started praying. and for the first time I think I understood the concept behind tasting fear. I could legitimately feel fear going through every single part of my body.

Because I knew if someone were to open my tent and want something I really just had Jesus to protect me. Ha. Just Jesus to protect me.

Let me rephrase:

BUT I knew if someone were to open my tent and want something I HAD JESUS to protect me. And I also had nothing in my tent worth taking.

Like I said though, I could taste the fear and there was nothing that was going to stop that feeling coming into my being.

Fear protects.

It really does. It makes us realize something is not right.

We shouldn’t be in a situation. We shouldn’t be seeing something. We shouldn’t be doing something.

Everything turned out to be ok that night in Mozi. No one unzipped my tent. No one tried to attack me.

I was ok. But I can’t unfeel that feeling of fear in my bones. I’ll carry that with me.

Looked fear in the face. Laughed at it, turned around and forgot what it looked like.

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along’. You must do the thing you think you cannot do”. (Eleanor Roosevelt).

That is one of my all time favorite quotes. Just the thought, the empowerment, the reminder that time and time again we have looked fear in the face and kept going. That we have looked down the barrel of this thing that scares and remember that we have done it before.

So now, here I am facing another fear. It’s one of failure. Its one of not making it. Not getting to the place I need to be. Not being in the place I need to be.

I’ve looked fear of failure in the face before.

I’ve walked to it and through it.

But it’s still there. I still keep forgetting what it looks like.

So I’ve come full fear circle.

When I was 5 I had no clue why the Hulk scared me so much.

Now I’m 29 and have no actual concrete reason why I’m crippled by fear. Somewhere down the road I’ll know. Maybe it’s because it’s something I really believe in and want to succeed in.

Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of failure. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of standing alone.                  Or just BEING alone.

Who knows.

What I do know is this: Fears in adulthood are never actually about what they are supposed to be about. Fears in adulthood aren’t actually clowns, or the darkness, or the shadow in the corner. It’s about things we can’t control, it’s about failing people, failing yourself so we get lost for a moment in a silly fear, we get lost in a fearing something we have no control over, something so ridiculous it can’t actually touch us instead of the things that can actually cripple us.

So I’m going to walk into this next part of life with my head held a little higher as I realize what I am afraid and what I need to conquer.

And yes, I am still and will always be afraid of clowns.

(if you made it to the end, i’m not only impressed, but also thankful. I’d love your thoughts on fears that transform themselves from childhood to adulthood. ((and also if you too are afraid of clowns)) thank you for reading)