I feel naked.
Really emotionally vulnerable and out there.
I’m about to get trampled and wrecked
And after that no one is going to recognize me after.
I’m ok with all that though. Really, I’m totally used to getting trampled and wrecked. I’m used to people not being able to see who I am anymore because I am so unlike what I once was.
( (swazi//feministry//team leader))
I’d be lying though, if I said I was ok with not being able to recognize myself.
I’m so sick of not recognizing myself. I’m so sick of thinking that I’m done with hurt and anger and unpacking my life and then I just find another layer. The person that got off the plane in December has been plaqued with loneliness, heartbreak, sadness, joy, doubts.
I’m sick of holding back tears because I’m so afraid of the bursting dam
But I see the blue skies. I see the reason why. I see the HOPE that is out there that I want to give to others. I see how because of all of this I can help others figure out how to move.
That, that in fact, is my movement. My purpose. A call to help others move.
And because of that movement and that purpose I have to keep allowing myself to be naked. To open up my soul and pour out my heart.
To learn. To gain more tools.
To take one more terrifying step into this wild unknown.
I remember taking the first leap into the world race last year. It was easy.
The first leap is the easiest.
It gets harder after that.
Because people don’t expect you to jump a second time. They expect you to place two feet on the ground and start life again how everyone else is. That after taking such a big leap you’ll have more answers.
I myself had less answers.
Some of the last words I wrote while on the world race were that I wanted to “live a life that was nothing normal and everything Christ.” And goodness that proclamation is hard.
It’s that promise to the self that got off the plane in New York 6 months ago that leads me to get on another plane in a month.
This is my beginning. This is the culmination of years of silence, bible studies, speaking out, stepping out, reaching out of my comfort zone, this is years of walking through hell and depression, years of sitting on my therapist’s couch NOT crying, this is the year of world race and time spent across the coffee tables and walking down dirt roads.
This is me taking all of those lessons, all of those tears wept or not, and going to Spain for 6 months. I am going to sit (emotionally) naked before Jesus and get rocked, trampled and wrecked. It’s taking the fears I have, my incredible discomfort in certain scenarios and literally staging a sit in.
((a realization that I need to carry with me))
I feel like the World Race was the realization that I want more. And that there is more. It was the realization that I have gifts, and talents and joys. It was the beginning of this process of unpacking heartache and disappointment.
And so now, I go, taking one more terrifying leap into the unknown. I bought a plane ticket I can’t get refunded for and am stepping into the more.
And I need your help.
I have 3 weeks to raise $3000 (I need a total of $6000) in order to get picked up from the airport in Malaga.
Any amount of money makes a different, any amount of support helps me. (To donate please go here: Donate | G-42 Leadership Academy )
And I need prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. Like I said, I feel as if I am going to be staging an emotional sit in with myself. I am going to be battling a couple of monsters in my closet. And learning, learning, learning. Learning how to step into this crazy role God has called me to in my life and I need each and every one of you behind me. Please subscribe to this blog to follow my journey there. I hope to continue posting once a week and sharing what God is doing and where He is taking me.
Thank you for your support and love. It means more than you know.
If you have questions about Spain or supporting me or comments or words of love/truth (or if you need words of love/truth)
contact me below!
((Abby//my heart//waiting for me in Espana//check her out here))