Honest, hope is a verb

Avocado toast to help me see

I’ve had a busy life the last few weeks (months, years) and yesterday I officiated my second wedding and it was a beautiful ceremony and celebration of two people who love each other an incredible amount.

I can’t tell you the last time I took a moment to write on a Sunday.

My phone is filled with so many notifications of messages and emails and my brain is filled with dates and things I’m supposed to be at and trips I want to take and deadlines and everything in between.
But, today as my body finally allowed me to sleep in a little (8 am) and I decided to save some adulting for tomorrow, I feel a little blurry.

(And, I feel a little stuck- but that’s another story for another day)

Part of that is physically blurry. I sat down in front of my computer screen and adjusted the brightness and moved my body so I wasn’t in the sunlight and I still had to squint to see my screen.

(Katie-shark says I’m tired–she’s probably not wrong)

Even now my vision is coming a little more in to focus, it’s still a little blurry on the outside- but I think that’s a lot more internal.
Have you ever had that happen?
You’re moving and grooving and stressing and even enjoying life but at the end of the day you sit and everything feels a little blurry.
You can’t quite focus and even though you just want to sit and watch a movie that even seems like too much?
You want to dream but that takes too much space.

I want to create but none of my words feel hopeful.
They just feel blurry.

I’m trying to decide what I need to see again.

I think one of the things I need to do is take some advice from my college choir director (but maybe re-frame it a bit), Joni used to always encourage us to choose joy. It didn’t mean you had to be happy all the time or couldn’t have bad days- but it meant to me, to choose good. Choose to see it, feel it, walk in it.

I think that one of the things I need to do is choose joy.

I need to choose what brings me joy, who brings me joy and moments that fill my heart (such as the avocado toast I just devoured and letting my body sleep in).
To me choosing joy is saving my adulting for tomorrow and going to laugh with friends for a couple hours.

To me choosing joy is what is going to save my blurred eyesight.
It’s what’s going to help me cultivate hope.

It’s not about avoiding things that need to be done- it’s about not choosing things and people and events that don’t add to your joy.

We have so much noise in our life. We have so many things telling us what to do, what not to do, what to believe, what to support, what to spend our time, money and voice on.
It gets pretty damn loud.

And, just as loud are the voices that tell us to take care of ourselves.

And to me, it’s in that tension that we find our lives can become a little blurry.

So, today, as I sit here for a few more minutes typing words and figuring out what I need to make my world a little less blurry- I want to ask you that question too: what makes life a little less blurry?

We can do the things friends, we can walk in the tension and dissipate it. We can choose things that bring us light and joy ( even if it’s avocado toast) and we can set the things on the side that don’t bring us cultivate joy.

The Marie Kondo method isn’t just for jeans that are too tight folks.
Let’s step into this week and find the joy, But, more importantly, let’s toss aside the things that don’t add to us, that maybe, just maybe, we don’t actually need.

 

Honest, ramblings

a letter to those who have no hope for the holidays

Dear friend, 

I want you to know I get you.I don’t understand or know your circumstances. I don’t know the deep places of your heartache.

But on a soul level; I get you. 

There are a lot of times in life that dealing with a gamut of heartache sucks.

Anxiety, grief, loss, singleness, depression, estrangement.

All of those are magnified during the holiday season.

Even just finding a template for a Christmas card was a glaring reminder of my relationship status. Every template featured a happy couple, a new home, a new baby, a diamond ring.

But, this isn’t a blog about that.

It’s just an example to you.

I get heartache.

On so many levels.

And I know that yours is oh so different. 

Your story, your heartache doesn’t match mine.

And mine doesn’t match yours.

But I guarantee that there are at least two people around the table with you who could say the same thing.

Who get you.

What I am trying to say is that you are not alone.

And I know that’s hard to read without rolling your eyes.

(It’s hard for me to write).

Because when you are physically alone it’s hard to remember. When you feel alone it’s hard to remember that. 

But it’s true. The beautiful thing about humanity is that even if it’s just the person in front of us at the grocery store, or the barista who makes are coffee- we are not alone. We all have stories and frown lines and spots on our pillow from tears.

We just have to fight the battle to remember that.

I have to fight the battle to remember that.

So, here’s the deal: I want to challenge you.

I want to challenge you to find a new way to infuse joy into your holidays. Make a new tradition, revamp an old one.

I want to challenge you to laugh. 

And be ok with laughing.

And lastly, I want to challenge you to be ok with crying. To not feel shame in telling a story around a fire.

To not feel shame in taking moments to yourself or sitting in the dark with just the Christmas tree on.

Because when there is a heartache so great that it comes to you in times of joy, I believe, for the most part, you can find joy on the other end of that heartache.

Don’t put yourself in a box of heartache this holiday season. 

You aren’t defined by that heartache. You aren’t ruled by it. It’s just one of the colors in your picture of life.

It’s not all that you are.

Even if it feels like it.

And if you ever feel alone, just remember me, in rainy, blustery Bellingham. I’m with you.

I’m for you.

This holiday season will be new. It may still have heartache but if you need some I am holding some hope for you (and cinnamon sugar almond bars).

With love,

Meghan 

Honest, ramblings

Just fix your leggings

I was putting on my leggings this morning and I thought of my tiny humans. Every weekday at about 11AM you can normally find me helping two year olds go potty and put on pull-ups and put their pants back on.

And let me tell you, hell hath no fury like a tiny human whose pants are too tight, bunched or stuck on their foot.

I rarely can fix the problem before the whines and squeaks begin.

My tiny humans quickly tell me when they aren’t happy, uncomfortable or any form of not feeling perfectly at peace in their own skin. Their blankets aren’t right, they have the wrong cup, their food is touching. They let me know when they are hungry or tired.

They refuse to live like that. Ever.

Not having it.

At some point, obviously, that changes.

At some point we begin to just be ok with things that cause us discomfort, or pain, or take our peace of mind away. At some point we are entrenched in the knowledge that “life isn’t fair” and “you just have to live with it”.

At some point we just live with things being off or bunched or too tight.

Why?

Why do we, as human beings, decide that we aren’t worth living our life to the fullest, we decide we aren’t worth rest, or lovely things.

We decide that someone else’s happiness is more important then ours.

Now, I am not saying that we have to be happy all the time, or comfortable, or that we have to satisfy every need and desire we have right at the exact moment. 

I am saying, is that living at a two for the sake of living at a two is dumb.

I’ve been pondering this idea lately. The idea that we as humans choose to suffer for the sake of suffering.

I feel like christians have cornered this market. Suffering for the sake of suffering. I have done it, I have been in a place of not accepting something, or not choosing something because I thought I wasn’t supposed too.

But, what I have learn in my life thus far, is that are already times when life will feel crappy, hard and all the things without me choosing it. We don’t need to create more situations like that.

I learn from my tiny humans a lot. And today, when putting on my leggings, I was reminded that I don’t need to choose to be uncomfortable, I don’t need to live in my unhappiness.

I don’t need to make life hard for the sake of it being hard.

Now, I don’t need to throw a tantrum when my leggings catch on my foot, or when I feel lonely, or if something doesn’t go my way.

But, if I have the ability to fix it- why shouldn’t I?

There are a lot of big world things we are unable to fix. There are a lot of circumstances that we aren’t meant to change . We can’t always leave the job, or move out of the city, or magically be in a relationship.

But, we can fix our leggings or go on a run, we can hang out with friends or we can light a candle and take a deep breath.

We can find the things we need to find balance and joy and peace.

We are allowed to choose goodness.

We don’t need to scream about it like my tiny humans but we can take deep breath and figure it out.