Honest, To dream

in 2017 i met the wind again

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After the clock stuck twelve last night I slipped out of the warm house that was filled with a group of humans I’ve grown to like a lot. I slipped out barefooted in my sparkly gold dress with a glass of champagne and I sat on the edge of the porch with my feet up listening to the ruckus around me on the university street I live on and I watched the snow fall silently to the ground.

And I wept.
That’s the only way I can describe what occurred. Weeping.

I wept for things lost and moments gone. I wept for joy that was taken. I wept for my aching heart.

I also wept for the beauty. Beauty of marriages and babies and friendships formed. I wept for the love I feel and the love I’ve been given.

And then two of the most important women in my life this year, Patty & Joanna, popped out to hug me. And we had a moment reminiscing on where we’ve been, what we’ve done and how we got here.

Then we went inside to finish celebrating and laughing and starting 2017 off with a bang.

And then, today, the wind came.

It met us after church. It was howling and sweeping around not yet melted snow. And it kept coming.

As I’ve sat in my front room attempting to rest and gear up for another week, the wind has knocked on my door on multiple occasions, it’s rustling the barren trees and moving around the bits of trash left over from a night of people reveling.

The wind met me, a little over 3 years ago, on a dirt road in Swaziland. Out of absolute stillness the wind came. In that moment it came to knock down walls in my life. The wind met me again in Spain. It was destructive, and calming and aggressive. It uprooted and plowed through me.

Today, the wind met me in 2017 to uncover.

I had a dream two nights ago, which is rare for me, and as I talked it through with a friend I realized it was full of significance for myself. In part of the dream we were restoring this beautiful estate. We were moving mounds of dirt that had piled up over these beautiful porches and patios and gathering areas. And then we gathered and celebrated in the beauty we had uncovered.

I’ve always known that the wind comes to uncover what was already there. What’s been there.

You just have to choose to clean up the mess that it moved.

Who knows what 2017 holds. I may or may not find that guy, I may have more unsuccessful days at work, the two year olds might do me in, I might feel lonely or sad.

But the wind came today.

The wind came and it moved all the crap and dirt and pain that 2016 left in its wake. It moved all of it to show the beauty that 2016 left. The beauty and the loveliness that has always been there.

I’m going to let the wind keep uncovering the beauty and truth in my life in 2017. I am going to create more, I’m going to hone my baking skills, I am going to write.
I am going to sing.

The wind brought me hope today, that I forgot I was capable of having.

ramblings, Spain g42

and the fog rolled in

When I was younger foggy day schedules were the best. My mom would shake me awake to tell me that I didn’t have to be up for another hour because school was starting late. To some that sounds crazy;to stop school for fog, but what you have to know is central California fog is no joke. There would be mornings when I couldn’t see across the street to the grape vines on the other side. Foggy day schedules meant watching TV on the couch and sleeping.

As I got a little older I started to dislike the fog more. There were too many accidents and too many deaths that took place. The fog started to be less like a blanket and more like an invisible roadblock.

Apart from all that I still like the fog. When I’m inside curled up by the fire and the fog rolls in; it still feels like a blanket, it still feels comforting. Fog tells a story of what’s not there.

The fog rolled in, in fierce ways in Mijas. As I walked home down cobblestone roads fog intermingled through the buildings and lingered outside of doorways. I turned the corner to head up  to my house I noticed that the fog was stopping at the base of the hill. My home sits higher in Mijas so it make sense that there was no fog at our doorway.

As I walked down the stairs to my patio I watched the fog, white and billowy, pour down the mountainside and cover the Mediterranean. Anything the fog didn’t touch seemed clearer, more defined, more colorful even against the white. In all this I thought of the phrase “having a foggy brain”.How a foggy brain makes thoughts seem murky or unclear and how after the fog subsides every thing is clear because you can actually see without searching or straining.

But what if instead of focusing on the part that is foggy we focused on the part just outside of the fog? Instead of looking to what we can’t see why don’t we look to what we can. So often, we choose to try to search through what we can’t see. We try to look for the unseen and forget to see what we can actually comprehend without hurting our eyes. And as we understand what is seen, the fog rolls back we see even more and we don’t miss the first part.

We’re doing prophecy activation this week at g42 and so many pieces of my life that I dubbed foggy are slowly being uncovered. It’s not quick or all at once, but I’m beginning to realize that the fog is fading and things that weren’t clear are beginning to be covered by the light.

Fog isn’t a bad thing. It keeps the ground from freezing and holds in warmth. It covers. Fog hold onto things (like oranges) so they don’t get ruined in the weather,so it doesn’t go bad before it gets picked.

The fog in my brain has been holding revelation until I was able to connect the dots. Until I was able to accept. A lot of those dots were connected today. But truthfully there is still fog. And if I’m being honest…it’s a lot of information that hasn’t all been made clear. A lot of information I haven’t been able to fully sort through.

But watching the fog roll in and out and uncover mysteries in my life has been a theme. Yesterday, the fog rolled in and out to physically show me things were about to be revealed.

To show me that what I didn’t think I had, I have now. It was just covered in fog, being protected, so when the freeze came the fruit wouldn’t get ruined because it wasn’t ready to be picked.

I’ve lived my life in different states of fogginess. But I’m choosing now to see what’s above or outside of the fog. Because eventually it will roll away and I will be able to see for what I’ve been waiting.

I’m not going to stand in the fog and search eyes strained. My vision already bad enough without forcing myself to see what is not ready for me to see.

ramblings

pardon me as I ramble about prophecy & truth

(this blog is very much a ramble. It is a topic that I need to delve more into, that I need to push more into, but these are some of my thoughts on what I think it is to have the gift of prophecy and how this blog turned into talking about feedback)

 

I remember one night at debrief in Brasov, Romania sitting with my friend Julie sipping tea and eating microwave popcorn and pondering what the next month in Ukraine would look like and then before I could even contemplate what was coming out of my mouth, I was speaking truth to Julie, words I felt she needed to hear.

piclab-6                                                                                         (this is Julie. ❤ to her)

It wasn’t the first time this kind of thing had happened. I just felt that there were sentiments that God wanted me to tell her.

Nothing special in that.

Just a messenger.

Then she said something I won’t ever forget, because it was something that I never thought would be part of who I am.

“Meg, has anyone ever told you that you have the gift of prophecy?”

Who said what now?

We talked about that for a second longer but I just had it milling in my head.

I wasn’t quite sure I agreed with it.

Going on the race we had to do this little thing called “feedback” essentially speaking truth and words into the members of our team. Sometimes that was difficult and in the form of constructive feedback, hard truths that were difficult to say. I’d begun to get into this practice of praying for the people around me, not just my teammates but my squadmates, my leaders, even my friends at home.
piclab-7                                                                 (veracity teamtime in Chincha Peru//this is how we pray)

And I’d found that God just kept filling my spirit with words, with wisdom that I shouldn’t know about it.

If I’m being honest sometimes it wasn’t exactly the easiest.

The main feedback I got through the year was too make sure I wasn’t sugarcoating what God was telling me, which if I’m being honest, I did sometimes.

I know the saying is, “don’t shoot the messenger” but sometimes the messenger feels like they are going to get shot.

Here’s the thing:

I’m a HIGH feeler. (also key WR lingo: “What’s your MeyersBriggs?)

And I care how other people feel (sometimes too much) so to impart such a hard truth on someone, who I know well and love, is a bit too much for me sometimes. I most definitely got better at it over the months of the race though.

piclab-9                                                                           (feedback dice//need I say more?)

So to bring us back to the point, PROPHECY and TRUTH are two words that have followed me home in powerful ways.

I still battle with those words. Being able to speak truth to people doesn’t mean everything I say is straight out of God’s mouth. I’m just a mere person whose brain and heart can get mixed in with the words I hear from Him. Thankfully we can take the words he gives us and put them next to scripture and the things that we know is true of Him.

 

Because, our God is not a God of confusion.

Which is comforting.

I’ve had more than one person at this point now almost a year later from that conversation with Julie tell me that I had the gift of prophecy, of truth telling.

It’s beautiful really because I treasure words so much, and I feel like God wouldn’t bestow this on me if He thought I would haphazardly throw his words around. I pray them over before they come out of my mouth they just start flowing.

In which case I have to pause and collect them, and organize them and pray that they come across wholly as his and not mine.

And in all of this I’ve learned this: God is not always loud, sometimes He is quiet, sometimes he is not speaking. But He never isn’t there.

Delving into and praying through this gift has been a constant reminder that God is always in fact there.

From “The Big God Story” by Michelle Anthony (yes a kid’s book. I used to be a preschool coordinator at a churchJ )

 “But then something strange happened….God was silent for a long time. Nearly four hundred years passed without a word from God. Just silence. But even though God was quiet, He wasn’t gone. His promise was still alive; it was just hidden”.

God has blessed in the last few weeks with the confirmation that wisdom He is allowing me to here for others is from Him. But in all of this; God has been silent about me. I think that’s where this whole topic came from, the silence from God as it pertains to my life, to my walk, to my heart. I know God is there, I know He is close by. He is just silent right now. All the things he has said before are still true, still active, still moving. His plan is still in action right now.

piclab-5                 (beginning of month 10, Siem Reap Cambodia NSQUAD worship// another moment of silence from God)

Right now in my head, it’s a stream of words of truth for others and in the midst of that silence for myself.

And all of this rambling is just for me to say:

Silence is ok.