Honest, hope is a verb, I choose champagne

It FEELS like a lot.

I’ve realized lately it feels as if my anxiety is winning.

I know it’s not, but it FEELS like it is.

And I’ve been trying to figure out why that is. Why does it feel for every five steps I move forward the sucker punch takes me back ten?

Why does it feel as if I can do 9 things right but the 10th time puts me underwater?

And I’m wonder do you feel the same?

Do you feel as if you are unable to get ahead or celebrate the small victories?

Do your joys that you experience feel like things you can’t share because everyone around you feels like they are losing battles?

Are you the friend that’s losing a battle?

I’ve had a few friends have some really exciting things happen over the last week and it makes me PUMPED when they share it.

Because we can’t find celebration for ourselves these days unless we see celebration.

We can’t figure out how to find joy and hope unless we see it.

There is a shouting match happening in the world right now. 

And it’s exhausting.

It’s like with my tiny humans. If I have a staff who tries to just get louder to shout over the kids who are being loud I let them know it doesn’t work.

And it’s gonna drive you absolutely insane.

I had something happening the other day where there was loud chaos, no one could pick a place to play, I was just trying to clean up and I realized me cleaning up the mess wasn’t helping.

So, I used my loud teacher voice and stated “I AM GOING TO READ THIS SPOOOOOOKY BOOK” (my tiny humans are all about spooky books right now).

I sat on the floor of my library and at first just started leafing through the book.

Then one tiny human came over and I started reading it.

By the end of the story I had 7 of my ten kids in the library. 

Then we finished the book and I re-asked them where they wanted to play and they chose an area, I pulled out some new toys and we went back about our day.

There are a lot of things that need to be said right now (#govote). There is a lot of energy in the air that isn’t helpful.

There is a lot of the inability to feel as if we aren’t allowed to be joyful.

But damn, do we need it.

And joy isn’t easy.

And it sometimes feels like succumbing to anxiety is easier.

But sometimes we have to stop yelling at the chaos and we have to sit down and read a spooky book and let the chaos settle.

And yes, sometimes we have to fight.

I think right now we are more prone to fight.

I know I am.

If I don’t fight I feel like my body might just give up on me.

But I also know the more that I hear others celebration and joy I get more ability to fight.

I think we’ve stopped sharing joy because it feels wrong.

I think I’ve started feeling like anxiety is winning because it feels like celebration is losing.

It feels like we are shouting at the chaos when instead we just need to tell a story. It can be someone else’s story or even a spooooooky story. 

Stories don’t have to be celebratory but the more we speak out our own darkness the more it isn’t able to stay because we keep shining light on it. 

So, what I want you to do is (if you’ve gotten to the bottom of these words) to share a joy, a celebration, something exciting that has happened this week no matter how small it seems to you.

And lastly: if it feels like anxiety is winning, if depression and darkness is winning- I get you and also,

No, it’s not.

I can promise you that right now.

You are more than it.

It’s still valid, it’s there- but it’s not winning.

Honest, washington whimsy

I choose champagne.

Today seeped of a loveliness I’ve been missing. Great conversations, my first gingerbread latte of the season, an amazing church service.

And as the clock moves towards sleeping and the beginning of the week, I’m tired again. Wearied. Teary-eyed.

Changing the way you see things isn’t the easy. 

And that’s what I’m currently attempting to do in all aspects of my life. 

Change the way I see them. Look with new eyes. 

My days, weeks, months have not been filled with victory. Nothing big, nothing noteworthy. 

Mostly my immediate personal life has been inundated with what seems like nothing good for me. 

(Rule #1 for 2017? Don’t talk about 2016.)

But, in Meg speak: I’m trying to learn to choose the champagne daily.

To most, champagne is something for special occasions. Popping the bubbly open means you are celebrating, you’ve been victorious, a big life moment has occurred.

But what about when none of those things have occurred? What about when you continually fail in spite of your best efforts, or there is nothing that tells you that you’ve moved onto your next phase of life.

And what if everyone around you is popping the champagne open without you?

Moving onto the next phase of life, a new job, succeeding at every step and you feel left seemingly behind holding an empty glass.

What the hell do you do?

                                          You choose to open the damn champagne anyway.

Because if you want a life filled with celebration and victory sometimes you have to choose to see those things with new eyes.

Now, I’m not saying that we should turn champagne into the adult version of a participation trophy for adulting. 

I am saying that sometimes, when you put your whole self into life, when you keep all the toddlers alive, when you crash into bed each night exhausted and the bubbles aren’t showing up themselves, maybe, just maybe, you should make the bubbles happen.

I’m not the best at giving myself grace, or cutting myself slack.

I learned this week that I’m not awesome at choosing the road that is easy even when it’s presented and ok to choose. I’m more prone to choose the hard way for myself because I feel guilty when something comes easy.

For all my event throwing, party planning and celebration of my people, I’m not great at realizing that I am worth celebrating.

I’m not great at accepting the champagne.

Truly, I don’t want to see this year for all the bad, the stress and the tears, because lovely, champagne worthy things happened.

And honestly, they are bigger, better and more bubbly because this year has been so grey.

So, what if, I chose to go into 2017, choosing to believe that even if there were the same amount of long weeks, non-personal life victories and the inability to put a kitchen aid on a registry, that I could still pop the champagne? 

What if I focused on seeking my life as victory instead of the lack thereof?

I know it’s not going to be easy. 
But parts of it might and I also have to be ok with that.

When we have had to work to celebrate for so long, sometimes it’s hard to see when the celebrating is right in front of you.

2016 will be known in my mind as the year I learned how to choose champagne. 

Lesson one was you were meant to take up space.

Lesson two was you aren’t alone. Your people are out there. And they need you as much as you need them.

And lesson three is the one that will lead me into next year: choose the champagne.