I’ve apologized a lot this week. I’m in a new place where only a few people know me. These new folks have been told I’m a good baker, a great cook etc.
That makes me nervous.
And it makes me apologize.
I’ve broken a wineglass, had way too many blonde moments, I’ve accidentally used corn starch instead of cornmeal. I used the wrong type of sugar in baking cookies. I’m walking this line of insecurity that is laughable.
And I just keep apologizing.
Tonight during worship I realized that I keep apologizing and belittling the gifts and talents that God has given me. And in that way; I’m belittling God. I’m belittling the fact that He Himself gave me all these gifts.
And here I am just apologizing away all of these things when I am unsure, or insecure or make a mistake.
I’m calling myself out on apologizing. I’m calling myself out on not having confidence in the gifts and talents He gives me. And it’s so funny because just this week I allowed myself to be taken up on stage and I danced with this Spanish rapper during the half of the World Cup final in the square in Mijas in front of at least a couple hundred people.
But ask me to write something for you, bake something, cook something and this week I have been full of excuses that it might not be up to par or that I’m full of nerves. Compliment me on something I made and I haven’t responded with “thank you” but “oh it’s actually really easy”.
Why? Why do I completely brush away the things that I know God has given me to use? Why do I not allow myself to walk in gifts, talents and knowledge.
Why have I been walking these week like I will never be enough?
I was told tonight that God delights when I wake up every morning. That He gets so excited to see me live out my life.
And here I am squandering it away with “I’m sorry” or “It’s not my best” or “Please, don’t think to highly of this or that thing that people say I’m good at.”
It’s stupid, lame and I need to stop.
So if you’re reading this and you are currently doing life with me in Mijas: this week (and beyond) I give you permission to call me out when I don’t respond with “thank you” to a compliment or when I belittle the work I have done by undercutting the task.
And mind you this next week I am doing the following: making a wedding cake, cooking for my house and helping with some writing projects.
Three things I hold close to my heart. Three things I know I am good at. Three things that I have undercut and apologized for lacking in in the last two weeks.
I don’t want to live a life of apology.
I don’t want to live a life peppered with insecurities or feeling like I’m not a enough.
I want to live a life walking in confidence of the good gifts He has given me.
So here I go: choosing to live a life free from apologizing and undercutting myself away.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
(Why I am in Spain? Check out journey with me)