I am not actually single.

I’ve been avoiding writing these words for two hours.Actually, scratch that, I’ve been avoiding writing these words for at least a month.

Before I went to Spain back in the spring of 2014 I wrote a two part blog series about why I wasn’t going to get married. It came down to the fact that I didn’t want to want something I wasn’t sure if I even wanted, so why not skip the heartache of maybe wanting it by not wanting it at all.

Then, of course, I went to Spain where every g42er ever can attest to the fact that at least once a week in class the conversation turns to relationship and marriage. And I still sat there not knowing if I even wanted to get married or have kids. 

And side note: I was terrified of admitting that to Andrew (founder, teacher, father-figure). 

I guess that I was terrified because somewhere in me didn’t believe that was true. I didn’t believe that I actually did not want to get married.

My heart changed in Spain. I’m not sure where. But if I could scroll far enough back in my text conversation with Preed there would be a moment where my thinking changed. She was talking about a future business of ours having a name with the beginning being “Ree-” something since our last names both begin with those three letters. 

My response was that, that was a great idea, because when we each got married our maiden names would be apart of our future. It wasn’t an “if” or a “when she” it was a we. I had changed my perspective on marriage somewhere.

Now, I live in Bellingham. And 90% of the people I interact with on a daily basis are in a relationship. And I am their biggest cheerleader.

And this has been hands down the hardest “being single” season I’ve ever had in my life. It’s messed me up.

I don’t feel looked down on because I’m single, or less than, or not enough. 

That’s the thing. I’m 31. I’m solid. I’m good.

But all of these relationships are messing with my head, my heart and my tear ducts.

What I am feeling these days is a lot in response to relationship. It’s brought about a season of loneliness, independence, and a wonderfully scary realization that I’m not afraid if my relationship doesn’t look how I thought it might.

I’ve scrapped lists and ideas and images because what I realized is I am already a pretty damn awesome whole person. I’m not perfect, I don’t have all the answers, but I’m caught to who I am, with the knowledge that I will keep learning more.

Another person isn’t going to complete me, he’s going to bring out more of me, and I him. Just like any real friendship, relationship, community should.

All of this I am feeling right now kind of sucks, some days are lonely, some days I want to shut out all the couples in my life.  Some days I want to skip town and run.

But man, this foundation I’m standing on is becoming more and more unshakeable and that’s the most beautiful thing to realize.

And the more pressure I feel, the more discombobulated and lonely I feel, the more I know that I’m not those things and the more I know that beauty is waiting beyond the horizon. 

The most lovely, beautiful, unique, real things are made not through waiting but through living. 

That’s why I detest sitting here and thinking and writing about singleness. Because I am not actually single. 

I am just me.

And one day, I will be married, in a relationship. 

And I will still be me.

7 responses to “I am not actually single.”

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