I feel like I am going to fail people on a pretty regular basis.
I’ve been twiddling my thumbs here for about an hour. I’ve started at least three different blogs and none of them settled until I wrote that sentence. I’ve been sitting here, drinking coffee, texting and judging coffee orders from men (yes, that’s a thing) and essentially trying to put words to the feelings I was feeling.
I’m not afraid to fail a task or not be able to do something the first time. I’m ok with asking clarifying questions.
But, I am so, so afraid that at some point people are going to see through whatever mask I feel like I am wearing and rip it off for everyone to see.
Somewhere in my life, I got it into my head that my authentic self, in all its glory was too much. Failure and fake go hand and hand to me.
If I don’t do all the things I can, if I don’t put everything I can into my life, there is a good chance I will fail someone. And there are a lot of people counting on me.
But, if I do juggle all the things and be all the things that I know I can be, what will people think? Will they think I’m too much? Will they think I am not being myself?
I feel like a conundrum to myself a lot. I am the first person to tell you to jump, to do the damn thing, to be the thing. I can probably tell you exactly who I am (well, who I am in this season). I am confident in my knowledge of who God is to me, and I can tell you more about child development than I ever thought I could.
I guess, the thing is this:
I’m only human guys.
I’m not perfect, I’m not always nice, I don’t always like people, I don’t always make the right choice.
I’m scared of failing the tiny humans I care for each day.
I’m terrified of not being good enough.
I choose my words more carefully then you will ever know.
My insecurity runs rampant more than I care to admit.
And I say this, all of this, to first and foremost remind you, the person currently reading these words, that YOU are human.
You are allowed to be afraid.
To fail. To jump.
To make a bad call.
To walk fully in who you are.
You are allowed to choose.
I think that are times where we need, desperately, to give ourselves grace. To remember that we are not super heros. We are just humans. Which is lovely. We are JUST humans gifted with hearts and hands and brains and creative uses of all those things to use everyday.
And sometimes we WILL fail. And sometimes people won’t believe us.
And that’s ok too.
I feel like it’s been awhile since brutal honesty has splashed out on my page. The inner workings of my mind on a daily basis. The insecurity I feel. How often I want to run myself. How I wore out the backspace key on my laptop.
But, my feet are firmly planted. Amidst all the things, I choose to show up. Amidst all of my fears, I haven’t quit my job. And amidst my insecurity I still write words.
So secondly, I write these words, to remind you, the human reading this, to not let any of those fears stop you. And if they are stopping you- please, please tell someone.
You don’t need to lay them out on a page like I just did. You don’t need to declare it from the rooftops. Just clear the clutter in your brain, tell it to a close friend, put it on a page, go to therapy, do something, anything.
You are not your fears, your failure, your insecurity.
I am not my fears, my failures, my insecurities.
I am a human, raised by humans, surrounded by humans, attempting to do my best to be who I am where my feet are.