Before you start reading this I need you to know three things:

I’m a reasonably happy with myself human being; I know who I am, what I’m made of and what I’m about.

I know HOW to lose weight, I’ve done it before.

I know my beauty.

I don’t know at what point in my life I started gaining weight. I remember being overweight in elementary school. I remember it being hard to run at softball practice. I remember shopping in the women’s section and not being able to order from all those catalogs that all the cool kids ordered from. I remember being different.

A lot of things worked against me most of my life (or so it felt). I tried multiple time to lose weight. I had gym memberships in high school and tae-bo VHS’s and I ordered diet pills online and hid them.

My second semester of my junior year of college and through the summer before my senior year I lost 60 pounds. I ate very little and exercised a lot. And then music camp before my senior year I was incredibly overwhelmed. I was in the limelight already as a president of one of the music ensembles. And then I felt like all of these people who had known me for four years were finally able to see me.

Holy hell that was too much. 

No one tells you how scary it is to lose weight.

No one tells you that losing weight doesn’t make you happy.

ESPECIALLY when you realize you don’t actually know who you are.

Since college I’ve gained back and lost again and gained back and lost 50-70 pounds.

I’ve been told so many different things. I’ve been fat shamed and body shamed. I’ve been shamed for losing weight and shamed for gaining it back. The amount of times and the amount of people who have uttered the words “well let’s not gain it back this time” to me is more then I would like to admit. 

I want you to know that being fat and losing weight isn’t about the physical aspect of it for me. It’s about the mental game.

When you lose weight people notice. They point it out.

You can’t hide.

I’ve learned over the last four years or so that I’m not meant to hide, I’m meant to be known and seen and lead and use my voice.

But, I’ve always been fat.

There might be people who are capable of losing weight and keeping it off after realizing they hate their body. There might be people who find themselves through the process.

But me? I’ve always been fat. I’ve hid behind it, used it as a shield, fended off relationships with it, treated it as part of my identity. It’s not that anyone has outright called me the fat friend, but I’ve stepped into that role, never shopping in the same section as my friends, calling things beautiful that I couldn’t fit over one leg, going shopping by myself at the mall in the stores I can fit in. 

But, I’ve always been fat. And I’ve always learned to love myself. I’ve developed a personal style. I’ve felt beautiful. I know who I am.

Here’s the thing: I know how to treat my body. But, for so long I’ve used this vessel that my identity is in as a wall. It’s easy to get out of things in life, it’s “easier”to be who you are when part of you is hiding.

I don’t know what I am actually going to feel when I lose weight. I don’t know what knowing who I am, and what I am about is going to change. I don’t know what having a firm foundation is going to do.

But, I am going to try.

I’m not going to document anything or post pictures of food. For me it’s not a battle of healthy choices and working out. 

It’s a battle to believe it’s actually not an always in my life.

And it’s not an always in your life either.