I’ve lived most of my life thinking that I am too much.
That I am too sensitive.
That I am too much of a burden.
That I take up too much space.
That I talk too much.
That I’m around too much.
That I’m needy.
The list goes on and on.
It’s an aggressively hard thing to balance.
Being too much and also being not enough. That feeling that being who you are is too much for another human and that at the same time also not being enough to measure up to whatever hypothetical thing they have in their heads about who you should be.
I’m pretty proud of the woman I’m becoming. I speak my mind, I am a good friend, I can be slightly terrifying, I’m a hard worker and I’m constantly in the process of expanding who I am and what I believe.
But lately it seems like every corner of the world is responding back to my actions with either “You are too much” or “You are not enough.”
And if I’m being honest; I’m getting damn exhausted from it.
I know that there are probably some of you reading these words and maybe, just maybe, want to tell me that Christ should be enough. Or try to tell me that I am enough.
Or you’re reading this and you want to tell those who communicate to me that I am not enough to fuck off.
It’s not that simple.
We currently live in a world of boxes. Boxes we do or don’t fit into too. Molds that aren’t accessible.
To do lists that will never be fully checked off in a 24-hour period.
Jobs that can never be put to bed.
Shame that is so subtle no one would ever know it’s shame.
Constant reminders that rest and vacations cause problems and working 40 hours a week isn’t enough.
And guilt that we aren’t allowed to stop.
I guess I wanted to write all these words on a page to feel less crazy. Not that I want to give the voice in my brain power to continually tell me these things, not that I want to sit in that emotion.
I want to say them, type them because I know (beyond a shadow of a doubt), that I am not the only one that feels this way. I know that I am not the only one who feels like they have to shrink down sometimes or who feels as if they will never be enough to get into the secret club.
I want to type them out, for you, whomever you are, to remember that you are not alone.
That you ARE enough.
And that you are exactly you are supposed to be.
And that sadly to some, you are too much, and you aren’t enough.
But, that’s a them problem, not a you problem.
And if right now, in this moment, you don’t feel enough for yourself I want you to write 5 things you like about yourself.
Here; I’ll go first:
- I love really well.
- I’m a caring teacher.
- I’m an epic cheerleader of the humans in my life.
- I’m a hard worker.
- I’m flexible.
See. That was only slightly cringe inducing for me; but I did it.
So please, write a list. If you know me and need to share said list with someone- send it to me.
If you need a reminder that other people don’t define your enough-ness or aren’t in charge of the space you take up- holler at me.
This isn’t about participation trophies and getting accolades. This is about walking in exactly who we are- whomever that may be. And choosing to believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are that person for a reason.
With love and an aggressive attitude towards your belief in yourself and your self worth,