I’m sitting here on my bed on a cloudy Sunday feeling a little foggy brained. I’m having one of those days in which I feel like I’m between so many thoughts, that I have emails I should answer and should write. I have laundry to do and trash to take out and lesson plans to write.
But I also feel like I have something to say.
It’s something I’ve said before and honestly, it’s something I say quite frequently. I’ve been realizing it more for myself recently and it’s starting to effect how I treat myself.
Here it is:
Now, I know what you’re thinking: yah so? Or you’re thinking: what does that mean?
I spent a lot of my life/adult life believing the follow ‘truths’:
- My emotions aren’t valid.
- I could/should handle something on my own.
- Someone always has it worse so who was I to grieve or complain.
And if you’ve never lived like this or experienced this I just have to say that it is fricking heavy.
It’s heavy to believe you aren’t allowed to have feelings or that you don’t have space to process through a thing because someone has had a worse life.
Then throw in some incredibly toxic religious gaslighting about depending on God and to put things at foot of the cross and you never feel allowed to struggle.
I remember when I was going through some of the worst depression I ever had been through (About 12 years ago). It was the worst because I had never gone through it and also I believed something was wrong with me because crying at the cross every Sunday and praying for God to take it away wasn’t working.
I felt like there was something wrong with me and I had an inability to make it go away.
And because I had to fake happy and chipper because someone always had something much worse happening.
It was extremely hard for me in all facets of my life to believe that I mattered.
That was exactly what led me in the time frame to contemplate suicide. I felt like a robot. Like, what was the point of doing any of this if I just felt like I was being the shell of the person I was.
What was the point of talking about my feelings if they didn’t seem to matter to others or to God.
What was the point of talking through it if all I heard back was that I just needed to trust God.
What was the point of being alive if I felt that I was just put on the planet to help other people and be a shell of a human?
Thankfully in that season I had an incredibly good therapist who helped me answer some of those questions and gave me tools for battling through when it felt like I didn’t matter.
I have gotten so much better at boundaries and taking time for myself. I don’t do well with guilt, I don’t do well with people telling me to do something or to give something to God and it will go away (because spoiler alert: that’s not how God works).
Honestly, I usually don’t do well with people telling me to pray about something.
Let’s be honest: I can usually feel when I am being ridiculous. There is a twinge in my spirit that tells me “Just stop meg”. I also, thankfully have friends that tell me those things as well.
But the joy of being an elder millennial and an elder millennial who spent years in youth group and at a Christian college is that we spent a lot of time being emotionally manipulated and then told when we had those feelings that they were because we were sinful or had “opened a door” to something.
Essentially, we were told that we as humans, didn’t matter.
And if we don’t believe that we matter, then why should we think other people care or truthfully, why should we think God cares?
And if that’s the case: what’s the point of it all?
Well have no fear because I’m here to tell you some things to end this on.
You fucking matter.
You are loved immensely.
No matter what.
Your emotions are created, not a burden. They are for you but not the manipulation of others.
Your brain can sometimes be a douchebag and that’s not your fault.
You fucking matter.
Your story is needed.
It has a point.
Don’t compare trauma.
Take time to grieve.
And if you are around people who don’t give you space for that?
Because, once again, you fucking matter.
And also; less aggressively so:
There is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, hope.
With all the love and belief in your belief in yourself,