I wasn’t going to write today.
I didn’t want to stare at a blank screen and try to figure out something motivational or hopeful to say. I didn’t want to try to make everything work together when it doesn’t feel like it’s going too.
I’m really, really tired. They are currently tears streaming down my face and I had to breath myself out of a full blown anxiety attack.
I wasn’t going to write today and say all these things because it feels as if right now I have nothing hopeful or helpful to say.
I feel like an incredibly heavy stress ball of a burden to everyone in my life and I am trying to figure out ways to actively change that.
I just want to give up and quit and all of the talk in my head is just telling me I’m not strong enough.
I wasn’t going to write because I didn’t want to push all this out into the world.
But not saying them doesn’t make them any less true.
Not admitting that my heart is feeling heavy and broken and “faking it til I make it” doesn’t change the fact that I’m drained.
(And this I guess is were it turns hopeful- because even though my roommate is across the world I can still see the look on his face when he read the words “I have nothing hopeful to say”)
Writing as tears fall down my face and out of exhaustion is absolutely ok. Sharing a part of who I am that feels ugly or messy or what have you is ok.
The pieces of us that feels the most covered in muck are usually the ones where we are going to find our strength and power.
I always want to write from whatever place I’m in to remind myself that my words are there- even if they are buried deep down at the bottom of tears and exhaustion.
I have my own hope that I can use in my life, I just have to state the things that are getting in the way so I can clear them out.
I’ve been told from so many different facets of life that my emotions aren’t valid. That I’m too sensitive. That what I feel doesn’t matter.
Now, what I feel isn’t everything. It’s not what I should base all decisions off of and I shouldn’t live in them.
But, man sometimes we just need another person to say “It’s ok”.
So, that’s what I’m here to do today.
I have tear-stained cheeks and I napped too long and the thought of work this week makes me want o crawl in a hole.
I took this span of time to write these 500 words and remember that in spite of it all I still have hope for myself.
And that’s why I chose share all the things that felt ugly today.
I still have hope. I still have the ability to realize all the ugly things aren’t me.
You aren’t all the ugly things.
You aren’t too much.
You aren’t weak.
It’s hard to read and to say; but it’s true.
We’ve got this.