I don’t want to admit any of the things that are about to be said in this collection of words.

Because it feels unlike me, it feels like I’m letting a few things that I had mostly put to bed come back. Here we are anyway.

Somewhere along the way in my 30s I’ve grown to enjoy being in pictures and have even felt beautiful and have grown to love my smile.

And somewhere along the way in all of this I’ve started to appreciate and be ok with the sound of my own voice. (I had speech issues as a child and had a hard time being understood to the point where I just wouldn’t talk).

And if I’m being honest the last two months of dealing with Bell’s palsy has brought those two things screaming back to the surface.

I saw friends this weekend I hadn’t seen in a few months and I felt a lot of anxiety and nervousness and felt incredibly self-conscience about my face and my voice and my ability to communicate. I didn’t want to be in pictures facing the camera and I felt so nervous speaking out loud when I was talking to groups of kids or parents at a theater workshop.

I didn’t want to do those things but I did because I won’t be silent and I won’t be ashamed of a thing I’m going through- but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a battle.

It doesn’t mean the old ghosts of being misunderstood and feeling incredibly not beautiful and worthy don’t come back up.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t just want to hide and be silent.

I’m proud of my ability to speak in public and the confidence I have built in myself. I’m proud of myself for choosing to see my beauty.

But right now, everything in me says to hide.

I really don’t know what the point of all these words are. I don’t have a solution; I don’t know when I’m going to look and feel normal again.

I just know that I have to keep being who I am in spite of what the small voice in my head says.

I’ve had a hell of a two months and it’s still going. (For example tears are currently coming out of one of my eyes).

I know each thing is going to be a little battle, each event where my friends want to take pictures, each time I have to talk in front of people, auditioning for a show, meeting new people.

It’s all hard things that I’m going to have to do. All things that make that small, little voice go; “hey remember when?”.

Here I am though; trying.

I don’t know what hard thing you’re going through, or what thing is bringing back ghosts from the past you thought you defeated, but I want you to know you aren’t alone.

You can do it.

We can do it.

I can do it.

Let’s keep fucking going.

With love,

Meg