I am very good at being vulnerable.

And I really, really hate being Vulnerable.

I’m someone who has a really high threshold for vulnerability. I believe my threshold is higher than others so that they are able to find the space to be vulnerable in ways that didn’t realize they had the permission to be so.

But, I can sense the Vulnerabilities that actually take something.

And those, I cannot stand.

But, the problem with having a high threshold for vulnerabilities is that the ones that take; the capital V Vulnerabilities, those hurt to let the light hit.

I think the last few months as I’ve even bogged down in other things and other hard things I’ve had a couple Vulnerabilities just start to edge into my house. It feels like whenever I come home there they are. Just sitting at the table seeing if I’m going to notice them. Seeing if I’m going to decide to deal with them.

Seeing if I’m going to choose to say them out loud.

Friday, sitting on my kitchen floor, I had a panic attack. I caught it and was able to shake it off and move through it but it still happened.

And it felt as if the Vulnerability just stared at me from my spot on the floor. Beginning to take up more space than I wanted to give it.

So here I am, sitting in the room with that Vulnerability. Choosing to not be afraid of the way it makes me crawl out of my skin.

Choosing to not be afraid of the things that feel scary to say out loud. 

The capital V Vulnerability is sitting in the room with me now, on the couch, just waiting.

Waiting for me to choose to put hope into the room.

Waiting for me to be more ok with the ways it can cut me.

Well.

I have different words marked on my body. Words that mark moments and seasons and words that I want to carry with me each day.

One I got a few years back is the word audacious.

“Showing a willingness to take surprising bold risks”.

It hit me tonight that it’s time for a season of audacious hope (as absolutely fucking terrifying as that is).

I’m going to make space to light candles that mark the hope and I’m going to try to choose each day to walk in audacious hope.

Want to join me in some audacious hope?

With love and a lit candle,

Meg