I just reread the first piece I posted on this website five years ago.
I can’t help but chuckle at the person who wrote those words. Now not in a bad way, because everything leads us to where we are.
But, even though that girl had more hope, that girl had dreams that hadn’t been left on mountains to be forgotten about, that girl still felt like she had so much more to give, I chuckle because I am so far from her.
And that’s not a bad thing.
And I want to tell you where I am right now to remind you of something very important: it’s ok.
Because the truth is, I feel a little dead inside right now. It’s almost as if I needed New Year’s Eve to actually be two weeks of me being able to take deep cleansing breaths and wash away all the things that piled on from the last few years.
That isn’t life though. That’s not how the world works. So the year went from 18 to 19 and I was just there with a champagne glass and wondering how I was going to brush myself off and keep going.
I got a picture today while I was walking. It was of a parched desert with hard packed dirt. Then the rains came. They came and they came and the water sat on top of the dirt and couldn’t sink in. It found nooks and crannies and valleys but the water had no way of infiltrating the surface. It had no where to go but to flood the life that was already growing.
Hard packed dirt that gets flooded quickly can handle the amount of water that comes. It doesn’t have enough time to saturate or sink in or make mud.
Now, I have some of the most amazing friends who give me love and support and joy and encouragement. I have parents who support me even from two states away.
But, I realized today I’ve been a hard packed desert for awhile.
So all the people in my life who have yet to give up on me I want to say for that I am sorry. I am sorry for an inability to receive goodness and joy and hope. I am sorry to you my friends and to myself.
But the dirt and the soil is hard packed and susceptible to flooding and to killing what is good.
And that’s a little bit how I feel these days.
It’s funny because I think of that girl from 5 years ago and the joy and hope that were running off of her.
And she had seen things and had heartache and hurt. She had felt lost and lost who God was, she had been there and back again.
But then, she got older.
And she questioned more and found new words and lost hope and refound it.
And now, she’s here. She’s me.
She’s a little dead inside, she’s forgotten how to laugh a little, how to smile.
And that’s ok.
It’s ok because it’s a part of moving and growing and living.
It’s not shameful or wrong.
It doesn’t mean I can’t love or give out life or hold space for someone or laugh or smile.
It doesn’t mean I’m not me.
And it doesn’t mean I need rescuing or that I am sending up signal flares.
My word for this year is release.
And among some other things I am choosing to release out of myself words so that you know you aren’t alone.
I am choosing to release words out of who I am in hopes that you will release that it’s ok to not be ok.
I am choosing to release words out of who I am so that you know that you can be not ok and still keep living and showing up in spite of it.
You can still be you.
I am that girl from 5 years ago. Parts of her built who I am today.
I haven’t failed her, I haven’t let go of her.
I’ve just learned a little more. I’ve gotten some rough edges.
I’m a little dead inside.
And that’s ok.