I had the realization as I was getting ready to come write that this would be my last silent Sunday in the bar as a 32 year old. I’m going to be on a plane next Sunday and then the Friday after that is my birthday.
It’s a bit overwhelming of a feeling for me. I have this wonderful middle of the year birthday. Almost like a new year in the middle of a year. I have a chance to hit refresh and pause and take a deep breath before I dive in to the crazy busy of summer and what feels like a fast forward on an already fast forwarded life.
But, that’s the ahead. Let’s look back instead.
I got a tattoo last week.
I wasn’t planning on it, it was a fleeting thought I mentioned to Victoria on Tuesday. So then, on Wednesday after work I text my roommate Patty and asked her to draw “be” for me. And an hour and 11 little sketches later, I was sitting in the chair at a tattoo parlor.
I am currently reading “Come Matter Here”. It’s a book by the lovely Hannah Brencher and it comes out on May 29. But, as I have been reading this book, I’ve had moments where I’ve thrown the book on the ground, where I have told it to shut up and where I have just started sobbing.
I’ve been reading Hannah’s blog for the last 3 years or so. I read her Monday morning emails as I fill bleach bottles and sort laundry at work. I know her words.
Her words, quite often have been mine.
She writes in “Come Matter Here” about getting a tattoo in the midst of a debilitating season of depression. She gets the word “stay”. Not necessarily in the moment to stay in a place. But to stay in the fight, stay in the struggle.
And as I read those words mere hours after mentioning the word “Be” to Victoria my brain started moving.
To “be” has been incredibly hard for me lately. To BE myself. To BE at peace. To BE present. To BE loved.
And of course, to BE with God.
This past season of my life in regards to God has been one of the most draining that I’ve ever walked through, solely because, I chose to still show up. I still chose to (for the most part) show up and be in the places that felt the most dangerously close to where God was.
I kept and keep showing up even when I don’t believe God himself is showing up.
“I am learning that God doesn’t bring us places to meet our expectations. For him, it’s a lot more about the transformation. He loves who we are, but he will never pass up on the chance to use life events to make us better.”
Come Matter Here*Hannah Brencher*pg71
This last stretch of time, this current moment I am in, has been about choosing to BE. In however that may look. And for me that choice is showing up and choosing to bring who I am to the table.
Because, my last in this list of meanings for a two letter word is this: BE at the table.
This past year I’ve wanted to run. Run fast away from the things inside of me, from the abilities and the pieces that I know I bring to the table, because it was too much.
Because as much as I preach that you have the thing that someone else needs, the responsibility inside of me felt daunting when my inability to believe was shaken.
To BE part of the puzzle was too much, too heavy.
I know, that I don’t have to be all the things. But, the energy to even be some of them was weighing down everything inside of me.
To be known, to be at the table.
To be noticed.
To take up space.
To be loved.
Now, doesn’t that just sound ridiculous?
That I have to coach myself into being ok with being known?
Being known, being seen and being present in that is horrendously scary.
But, as I have been told by multiple people in my life- it’s also my reality.
I am a human who is known. (Even when I think I am really good at not being known)
I am timid to write more declarations about choosing to BE in the year of 33.
But, what I think I can say is this:
I’m learned this year that in the places that I have MOST wanted to run from, the places where I’ve wanted to slip out before the end, the places where I didn’t want to participate or share or give, were in fact the places that I needed to BE the most.
I don’t know what my choice to be will bring me this year.
I just know, believe, choose to remember that the choice to be will bring more to myself than I was yesterday.
As always, deep breathes to the toes my friends.