Six years ago I was returning home from training camp for the world race.
It’s funny because at that point my world had been turned upside down multiple times and at training camp it was turned upside down again.
I didn’t know a lot about God then even though I’d been a Christian for 14 years at that point and went to a Christian university.
But it seems that the more “Christian” things I’ve been apart of the more changes I’ve seen happen in myself in regards to my faith and identity.
I don’t think anything I’ve been a part of is bad: It hasn’t in any way, shape or form caused me to want to not believe God or run from the faith I have.
If anything what it’s done is cause me to settle even more into finding who I am outside of the church and christianity. It’s been more about finding who God says I am by the life experiences and interactions I have in daily life.
It’s more about finding out who I am not, through the life experiences and interactions I have in daily life.
When I came home from the world race I was a wreck. Well, I became a wreck about a couple months later. Then, I went to Spain and it was better.
And then I came to Bellingham and the wrecking ball came again.
It’s not even that I have doubted more, because I’ve definitely had times that I’ve doubted more than the last three years.
I think, that my faith and my life, since doing all these “Christian things” has been more about the realization that God, faith, all of those things are so much bigger than people give them credit for.
I don’t make decisions based on my faith, or the fact that I’m a Christian, or my conscious or whatever else you may call it.
I make decisions based on who I am.
And who I am changes. Not because I’m reinventing myself but because I am learning more about myself each day.
Yep folks, each day.
So it makes sense that my faith would turn and grow and change.
I want to take the shame out of reframing your mind. Letting your faith be shaken, walking away for a moment to figure something out.
I know not everyone agrees with me on that.
But, walking away from something doesn’t mean you are running away.
Sometimes, walking away is the only way to guarantee that you are going to stay.
Today, in church, I realized that I have some pillars in my life that hold up the makeshift house of my faith that aren’t necessarily super sturdy.
In non-Christian verbiage, I realized today, that there are pieces of myself, pieces of my identity that I think are major parts of myself that actually aren’t.
I realized today that my identity isn’t based on my faith. And the more I learn about myself, the more I realize that my faith doesn’t make me who I am.
I think my faith allows me to look at things through a different lens just as any set of beliefs would.
My faith does add to who I am, but it’s not the only thing.
And it’s ok if it changes and evolves.
You aren’t less of a human if your mind changes, if you find out more information, if something doesn’t settle with you.
You aren’t less of a human if you allow yourself to grow.
My faith has grown, been stretched, fallen away, come back again and evolved over the past 10 years immensely.
I think in this time in our world it’s more important than ever to listen to what’s happening around you. Listening to your faith, or spirit or whatever and know that we can’t change anything if we don’t allowing ourselves to change.
And know that it’s ok to change.
As humans we grow and change and collect more data every day.
But, even in that and with that I will always be me.
And you, my friend, will always be you.
2 responses to “words about my ever-changing faith”
“Sometimes, walking away is the only way to guarantee that you are going to stay.”
As someone who has to walk away from things all the time to examine the differently and figure out how I actually feel…That line right there. Is gold.
If bridges aren’t built to sway, they’ll snap in a gust of wind. Thanks for being ok with swaying and changing and growing and learning and holding all the things loosely and letting yourself adapt to the newest version of the same you every day. I’m a fan of all the versions, past and present and future.
❤️❤️❤️ thanks so much for this roommate. I appreciate how you so often help me untangle what I am incapable of untangling 🐥