I’ve realized lately it feels as if my anxiety is winning.
I know it’s not, but it FEELS like it is.
And I’ve been trying to figure out why that is. Why does it feel for every five steps I move forward the sucker punch takes me back ten?
Why does it feel as if I can do 9 things right but the 10th time puts me underwater?
And I’m wonder do you feel the same?
Do you feel as if you are unable to get ahead or celebrate the small victories?
Do your joys that you experience feel like things you can’t share because everyone around you feels like they are losing battles?
Are you the friend that’s losing a battle?
I’ve had a few friends have some really exciting things happen over the last week and it makes me PUMPED when they share it.
Because we can’t find celebration for ourselves these days unless we see celebration.
We can’t figure out how to find joy and hope unless we see it.
There is a shouting match happening in the world right now.
And it’s exhausting.
It’s like with my tiny humans. If I have a staff who tries to just get louder to shout over the kids who are being loud I let them know it doesn’t work.
And it’s gonna drive you absolutely insane.
I had something happening the other day where there was loud chaos, no one could pick a place to play, I was just trying to clean up and I realized me cleaning up the mess wasn’t helping.
So, I used my loud teacher voice and stated “I AM GOING TO READ THIS SPOOOOOOKY BOOK” (my tiny humans are all about spooky books right now).
I sat on the floor of my library and at first just started leafing through the book.
Then one tiny human came over and I started reading it.
By the end of the story I had 7 of my ten kids in the library.
Then we finished the book and I re-asked them where they wanted to play and they chose an area, I pulled out some new toys and we went back about our day.
There are a lot of things that need to be said right now (#govote). There is a lot of energy in the air that isn’t helpful.
There is a lot of the inability to feel as if we aren’t allowed to be joyful.
But damn, do we need it.
And joy isn’t easy.
And it sometimes feels like succumbing to anxiety is easier.
But sometimes we have to stop yelling at the chaos and we have to sit down and read a spooky book and let the chaos settle.
And yes, sometimes we have to fight.
I think right now we are more prone to fight.
I know I am.
If I don’t fight I feel like my body might just give up on me.
But I also know the more that I hear others celebration and joy I get more ability to fight.
I think we’ve stopped sharing joy because it feels wrong.
I think I’ve started feeling like anxiety is winning because it feels like celebration is losing.
It feels like we are shouting at the chaos when instead we just need to tell a story. It can be someone else’s story or even a spooooooky story.
Stories don’t have to be celebratory but the more we speak out our own darkness the more it isn’t able to stay because we keep shining light on it.
So, what I want you to do is (if you’ve gotten to the bottom of these words) to share a joy, a celebration, something exciting that has happened this week no matter how small it seems to you.
And lastly: if it feels like anxiety is winning, if depression and darkness is winning- I get you and also,
No, it’s not.
I can promise you that right now.
You are more than it.
It’s still valid, it’s there- but it’s not winning.