I was going to go sit and write somewhere, but nowhere was sitting with me and it’s cold out and I have things I should do instead. But, I decided to make a snack and grab a sprite and sit on the floor with music in my ears and try to do something I don’t do a lot: write at home.

I don’t know if I currently have the capacity to write about what I’m feeling heading into this year but I’m hearing some things loud and clear so I thought I’d write even a muddled mess of a first try.

Last year my word was “create” and as I pondered through that and what I thought I did or didn’t do; I realize I did create-it just didn’t feel like how I thought it might.

The thing I keep hearing for this year, loud and clear, is just a simple phrase “come back home to myself”.

I know that feels like it should be easy right?

Absolutely not.

I’ve been surviving the last year of my life. I’ve been doing what feels like the bare minimum to keep my head above the water line. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. I’ve been doing exactly what I need to do and I’ve been pushing through.

I think I’ll be honest that at the end of it all, I just truly want to come back home to myself this year.

And I’m not 100% sure what that all entails.

I just know that I need to find those parts of me that I’ve lost along the way.

That I need to not be scared of it.

That I find hope again.

And I know this all sounds dismal- it’s not.

The reason I want to come home to myself is because I have people and spaces and times and abilities that show me who I am.

I know those things.

But, it’s time I start remembering that I have to walk in the door to come home.

Finding ways to care for myself that aren’t always easy and that take some vulnerability and courage. Finding more ways to be exactly who I am.

Finding ways to come back home to myself.

It’s truly an up in the clouds type of word for the year but I’m sure I’ll keep delving and keep figuring out what it means each day.

Happy new year my friends.

 

With love,

Meg