I just did a thing where I actually didn’t delete the 400 words I had written to write something new but I opened a new document.
The words I was saying weren’t bad- they just weren’t it.
The 400 words I had typed out were moreso dancing around something that I was trying not to say because even just the thought of saying the thing that’s in my head is currently making me cringe.
Today, I feel rested.
I had a beautiful weekend, that started just sitting and chatting with my best friend at her desk because I wouldn’t see her all weekend and those moments began a weekend where my soul and heart and all the insides of me got rested all the way down to the toes in ways I haven’t been in a while.
(that’s not the thing that makes me feel cringy)
And after I sat and wrote the prior 400 words that were filled with a lot of me stating that I sometimes just want to be an island, I realized that while there was truth in that, it wasn’t thing that I needed to say.
After I wrote the prior 400 words and I realized that they weren’t it; I realized what actually was.
This weekend I found rest, peace, hope, family and light.
And today I realized that all of that reminded that I am a leader in the ability to give those things to others. I am meant to do that in a bigger way than I am now.
And honestly, that terrifies me.
I know that sounds ridiculous. That I should know that. (As my roommate Benjamin would have said to be in a text if I text him that: ThAt Is BrAnD nEw InFoRmAtIoN)
That I’ve done it before.
But this feels bigger. This feels more wobbly and new.
I am the person who is going to nag you into believing in the fact that you have something to say. That someone needs to hear the things you have to say. That regardless of what you believe or who you believe in that you have hope and light and a story that the world needs.
That you are on this earth to connect to even just one other person who needs your story.
That, even if we desperately want to be and even it feels less painful, we are not meant to be islands.
I am not meant to be an island (honestly I hate that sentence).
And honestly, there is still a lot of myself that is the most epic cheerleader because being in the background just works for me.
But I know in my knower that it’s not where I’m supposed to live.
Have you ever had those moments where you come to a moment in time and you know that one day down the road, it’s going to be a defining moment?
Well, this Monday afternoon on my couch just turned into one of those for me.
This weekend I realized that God has been repeatedly telling me not to worry. He’s been reminding me that I have what I need.
He’s been reminding me that I need to look in a mirror when I remind people that they are more than they think they are.
I know there is more to me. I can feel it, beneath the surface. I know that I’ve spurred on a belief in myself by setting boundaries, by choosing my personhood and mental and emotional health over those who would say I didn’t do enough to earn their love. I know there is more because I’ve spent a lot of time making space for it.
I don’t know what is next but damn. Something is.
Well, that’s not it, but it is something.
Here’s to the reminder that we can always find pieces of ourselves when we’ve believed for a long time they are just pieces to give out- not to keep.
(But I will always, ALWAYS, remind you that you are more than you think you are.)