I’ve been battling with technology for about 40 minutes. I’m currently in possession of two computers-one won’t work and the other I can’t find the charger too and then my ipad was refusing to open a new document and I just kind of wanted to give up and go about my day, with some banana bread making, Guinness float drinking and watching “A discovery of witches” season 3.
But then my Microsoft word opened and I realized I probably actually needed to talk about the thing that I’ve been dancing around talking about for a few weeks.
I’ve mentioned it here and there. Alluded to it in instagram posts and tried to come to terms with the fact that hope wasn’t going to bite me in the ass.
This morning I wrote the following words while at church and they hit me a bit and came with the footnotes that I needed to chose to have hope in myself again and hope in life.
Hope in its noun definition is “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen”.
What if hope has been so hard because without realizing it we’ve been so far on the other side of hope that we’ve been hoping for the bad things to happen?
What if we’re so focused on the fact and the truth of life that bad things will happen that we don’t free up any space in our brain for the fact and truth of life that good and beautiful things will happen.
Now, please don’t read that as we are somehow a part of the awful things in our life happening. (Well, we are sometimes but that’s a different story). What I’m trying to say is what if we’re putting our hope in the fact that bad things will happen so might as well not hope for the good and because of that we’re choosing to place our hope in the bad.
I always joke that my brain is so full of children’s worship music and choral music from my whole life that I frequently have a “no room in the inn” sign up.
I think we do that with experiences that prove to us we shouldn’t hope that the good and the beautiful will come.
I started my new job on September 7th last year and 4 weeks later I was starting to feel alive again.
4 weeks and one day later my mom told me she was sick. And five weeks and 3 days after September 7th she was gone.
I had started to feel hope again. Started to feel like I was able to breath. Started to feel like I could focus on things that brought me back to myself.
And then it all came crumbling down.
But, I think that that was a turning point for me.
I could have truly chosen to believe and file that away as another time where hope failed me. Where the good was coming and the. The other shoe dropped and knocked me unconscious.
Where hope looked me in the eye and said “pass”.
I think I’m in a frame of life where I’m desperately trying to change the way I see things about hope. I’m trying to be an active participant in what is looks like to hope for movement and good and things being built and an active participant in showing people that the only person who is fit to walk out their story is themselves. And whatever cards they’ve been handed they can pull something from them if they’re just willing to try to live a life wherein hope is for them too.
I don’t what your level of choosing to be hopeful these days. For me, some days it’s just choosing to hope I won’t wake up at 345 and will be able to go into the day rested.
And I know that the world doesn’t feel hopeful right now. I know that the concept of being hopeful for yourself feels trite and small.
And I know some days it’s a no bones day and hope is not only impossible but unhelpful.
And I know what it’s like to feel like hope hasn’t been in play for awhile.
I just want you to know that I’m here trying to figure it out today.
And if you need to borrow some hope from me; I will willingly share it.