I’m sitting at Maria’s, drinking a coffee, something that I do most Mondays.
But in four Mondays from now, on the 22nd, I will be 8 hours into a 13 hr plane ride back to California.
That makes my heart constrict a little.
(That makes my heart constrict a lot.)
The spirit that remains no matter who passes through.
I love these cobblestone streets more deeply than I actually fathomed I could.
Because really, it’s not the cobblestone streets, but when I walk down them? Each step is filled words and lessons and spirit that pummels into my being.
It’s seeping through my feet.
It’s now in my foundation.
I hear the the hearts, of the staff, the teachers, voices that I value repeating words, phrases of wisdom that I scratch quickly across blank pages.
I want to remember, retain and practice.
There is so much beauty between the covers of my journal, so much whimsy of Christ.
But the one I’ve been going back and forth with, the one I’ve been trying to put into words for myself to keep is this:
I want to live out of WHO I am, not HOW I am.
When I first got to G42 this was a concept that I fought against. I remember a span of months during therapy where I had to write my emotional levels down each day and if I’m being honest with myself my life was up and down by the hour. I held it together reasonably well during work, but as soon as I got home by myself I sunk. I allowed myself to be ruled by what I was feeling and allowed that feeling to come out of my pores and seep into the atmosphere around me.
The ups and downs ruled me. The fact I I came out on the other side is a testament to Christ and to the Christ inside of those around me.
I had no bearings to grasp onto- but I sank, literally, at the foot of the cross at church every week and clung onto hope.
And I got through, a bit battered and a bit cynical.
I’m now Meg.
And I refuse to be up and down.
The last couple months I’ve had more FEELINGS of up and down then I would care to admit, because I know that I can live outside of being ruled by emotions. I know the truths about myself and the truths of who I am.
This challenge- living out of who I am and not how I am- has at moments been tough for me to swallow, because it shimmers it’s way into most aspects of my life. But I realize in the moments where I respond negatively to something because how I feel, how important it is to do life out of who I am.
When I choose to live out of how I am, I am choosing to live out of frustration, negativity, depression, exhaustion.
I am NONE of those things.
It reminds me of how we store leftovers-in yogurt containers. I was cleaning out the fridge to see what we needed to buy for the week. I glanced in our fridge and saw about 4-5 containers and because my house has been eating a lot of yogurt, I did the math and decided how many to buy.
Later talking to one of my housemates, found out that 2 of those containers actually held yogurt. But because we use them to hold something else I assumed they were all leftovers & chose not look. Not only does this say something about assuming, but it says something to me about how I present myself.
If I constantly live out of anger or frustration because those are my feelings, because those are the emotions that I feel so I grab them and run, eventually that will be what people see. Those around me will get so used to me living out of my emotions that it will be the assumption that I am angry and frustrated. There won’t be a second glance to search for something more because that will be all that is seen. My container, my being, will look the same, but inside it will be assumed it is negativity.
But really that’s not what is inside.
Inside is yogurt.
I just have to actually look.
I want to live a life where people don’t actually have to look inside to know that it is love. I want to live out of who I am, which is someone who loves, among so many other aspects.
I am a woman who has a lot to learn, and because of that a lot to give. And a lot of love
That’s where I am. I am nowhere near the end of figuring out how to do this, how to live solely on who I am. I’m finding that foundation, I’m finding the Christ inside me that has created that foundation of who I am.
I want to live on it and from it.
(And I don’t want you to automatically assume there are leftovers in the yogurt containers.)