This is written to those occupying the same stage of life I am in, but if you are a human who has ever found themselves identifying what they lack over what they have have, my Sunday morning thoughts might help your brain too.
Dear single woman,I get you.
No, really I do.
See, I’m not writing from the other side of the thing, or writing from a different phase in life. You won’t click on my bio and see I’m now a married woman with two kids and a house in the suburbs or find an Instagram with me sporting a diamond. I’m in what some would call “the waiting” or “the before”
(I just call it life.)
I am not going to tell you to “enjoy this time” because you should enjoy everything. I am not going to tell you that you aren’t ready, because you are the only human who knows that.
I am going to tell you that I know. I know that you have eyes and a heart and a mind. You see, you feel and you think.
And those don’t always connect. You logically know you are good, solid. You feel about 95% whole. But your eyes always lead you astray. The land on the differences, the missing pieces. Your eyes don’t know how to outline what you have, they only know how to outline what “should” be there.
I know you have days that are harder then others.
And those hard days make you feel a lot of things. Filled with shame because you feel like “that girl”, upset at yourself because you don’t want to feel that way, you want to be whole and independent. It might make you feel more determined to be whole and independent.
I want you to know that I truly believe in the bottom of your knower that you know that you are good. That you aren’t less of a person because you don’t have something you want.
I see you.
I see into your insides. I see that you are reminded of what you lack, you are reminded of the step in life you have yet to take.
And I’m writing this because I want you to know aren’t alone.
You are in a world, daily, of people who feel so similar to you.
That couple you see in the coffee shop every Saturday wants kids.
The dad who wants to coach the little league team but can’t leave work early.
That family of five just wants to buy a house in the same neighborhood as their friends.
And you might of just thought the same thing I did even as I typed those words: “but at least…”
At least they have each other.
At least he has the job.
As least they have the family.
We live in an “at least” world and sometimes being a single woman feels very bottom of that food chain.
But, IF we don’t want people to belittle us with “at leasts” we should work on the same.
If we want to choose to see what people have, we need to decide to do that for ourselves.
Let’s stop living in lack.
Let’s stop living in lack WITH the knowledge though, that some days are harder than others.
I am not great at focusing on what I have.
I never thought I struggled with comparison.
I was wrong.
So, for me, it’s going to be a mind overhaul. I’m not talking about making lists or writing in a gratitude journal, though if that is how it works best for you, go for it. I’m going to attempt to, whenever I see something I lack in the picture of what someone else has, I am going to remind myself that for everything I see they have, I have something too. I’m going to remind myself that we are different humans, with different journeys and lives.
I repeat again: I’m going to try.
And I know that doesn’t and won’t always happen.
So now, at the precipice of a new week, I raise my can of sparkly wine;
I raise it to the couple who wants kids,
To the dad who wants to coach the team,
To the family who wants the house,
And to you, my single friend.
I raise my wine to you all. We forget so often in the midst of comparison and haves and have-nots, in the midst of constantly feeling less than or lacking, that we are all in this together.
Our commonalities are far greater than the things that separate us.
Let’s be kind to our minds this week.
Let’s see what happens.