I think, currently, my life is full of a lot of boxes of “things I shouldn’t talk about”.
My brain and heart feel empty and full all at the same time.
Last week, one of the father figures in my life was in town and as I walked up to him to hug him I automatically felt the need to put on one of the many cloaks in my life. This one was the “it’s fine, everything is fine” cloak. I had enough concealer on my face to cover up the bags under my eyes and the lines on my face and the wrinkles from stress.
(The fact that I didn’t automatically burst into tears when he hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek said enough for my ability to hold it together).
A little later when I was talking to him, he mentioned something he always mentions (if you know who I am talking about you know what it was: “where are all the men?!” 😂😂)
And I responded, “yes, but I am good. Sometimes it’s harder, but I’m good”.
And he responded how he always does with me, “I know”.
But then, he told me I looked stronger.
He didn’t mean physically, I haven’t been pumping iron (just throwing axes, but like that’s another story). I didn’t tell him much in our short conversation, but basically just said that I’ve been wrestling with some things.
I think, well, I know, the reason I haven’t written much this year at all, actually hasn’t been because I haven’t had words. I believe I have.
And it’s for this reason: I am not solely the things I am wrestling with, stressed about, struggling with, dealing with.
I am not just a preschool teacher.
I am not just a single female.
I am not just a Christian.
I am a hell of a lot more than all of that.
I am a person who truly, truly desires to speak things out, to pour out what is happening in my life to support and encourage others.
I honestly just want you to know that you matter and you aren’t alone and above all that you are allowed to take up space.
I want you to know that it’s ok not to talk about things.
It’s ok to have anxiety walking into a church, or meeting with a mentor.
It’s ok to say no to friends, and cry or just not want to talk about it.
It’s ok to not want to be put in a box.
But please, at some point, choose to become stronger, take up the damn space and move.
I think this fall will be me choosing to have conversations with people who know more than I do. It will be choosing to sit and rest more actively than I have and it will be making decisions I don’t necessarily want too.
This summer hasn’t been the best.
And that’s fine.
We are more than one season of our lives.
We are more than our jobs even if it’s all we talk about.
We are more than our relationship status even if it the first question on a form.
We are more than the boxes we can talk about and the ones we can.
You are more than summer.
So, let’s do the damn thing, however that looks.